I like my men like I like my coffee: encouraging my bowel movements
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you couldn’t be more wrong, i on the other hand could be far more wrong due to my incredibly vast stupidity
INTERVIEWER: What did you like most about your last job?
ME: *leans in way too close* Leaving it.
STOP talking shit about F•R•I•E•N•D•S
Rachel is KIND
Monica is NURTURING
Joey is CONSIDERATE
Phoebe is TALENTED
Ross
Chandler is FUNNY
My wife asked if I got everything at the store, I told her no just what wasn’t on the list.
Wife: I’m heading to work.
6-year-old: Goodbye. I hope nothing bad happens.
That’s not ominous at all.
[inventing jogging]
how can i suffer but with music
Kids: We’re hungry!
M: Dinner when mum gets home
K: She’s away for a week
M: OK, when I’m done tweeting
K: (sigh) we’ll wait for mum…
Press 1 for English
Press 2 For SpanishPress 1 or 2 for Indian
[olive garden]
waiter: when you’re here you’re family
me: cool can I borrow some money
waiter: please leave
My psychic friend asked me if I was available any afternoon this week
My reply: I don’t know,am I?
Fine I’ll bite, what’s this sex thing everyone keeps talking about?
Don’t be that guy that goes around saying “Don’t Be That Guy.”
A Tale of Two Cities 2: A Tale of Three Cities
If one more teenager calls me ‘mam,’ I’m gonna
…probably let them carry my groceries because I’m old and life’s hard.
No one cares if you take an apple or yogurt from the hotel breakfast but apparently if you start filling your ice bucket with bacon it suddenly becomes an issue.
Me: *puts on hand sanitizer*
0.0002% of germs: Noooooo!
Having three kids taught me that I’m capable of so much more than I ever thought. For example, I can ignore all three kids at once.
Customer: can I get some bacon
Me: sure
Customer: can you make it fatty
Me: *holding back tears* bacon isn’t that hard to make
Ratatouille (2007) – A terrible chef knowingly allows a rat infestation in his employer’s kitchen to distract from his gross incompetence.
Me: Today I will be patient, kind, and tolerant of things that I can’t control
Also me: Screams at toothpaste for not coming out of the tube faster
My friend just told me that he can print a gun using a 3D printer, but I’m not impressed. I’ve had a Canon printer for years.
society: women your age are invisible
me: *robbing a bank* cool, cool
Dispatcher:
“The call is coming from inside the house!”Me, seconds from murdered:
“I have a landline?”
Got asked to be godfather of my niece, so if anything happens to her parents then someone else has to take care of her because I said no
Cop: “what do you think you’re doing?”
Me: “just throwing these microwaves into the ocean to create super sharks”
*cop starts helping*
[first date]
ME: I’m having a great time
HER: I’m not
ME: *peeking out from my pillow fort* I don’t even let my dog in here, Janet
I feel lethargic today. Probably has nothing to do with the two thousand grams of white sugar consumed yesterday.
Bed salesman: I know it’s a lot of money but you spend 35% of your life on it.
Me: 35%?!?… amateur