911: 911
Me: I’m being chased
911: in your car?
Me: no in theirs
911: wh—
Me: how do I turn the sirens on?
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Hypothesis, hypotenuse and hippopotamus are the same words
Stay woke, sheeples
The doctor holds the stethoscope against my chest and frowns. Perhaps I should not have eaten all those bees.
[ walking down the soap and detergent isle at the store ]
14: it smells like chores in here
I want my kids to have a fun childhood, but like a lazy, quiet kind of fun that doesn’t cost anything.
My local coffee shop has one of those “No WiFi, pretend it’s the old days” signs so I robbed them and made them promise not to use DNA evidence to convict me.
Maybe your jeans are distressed because you’re wearing them?
Women like men who make plans, commit to those plans, and still have a few surprises left in them. This is why your girlfriend is obsessed with serial killers.
NEWS ANCHOR: Here’s Gary with day 1 of his outdoor summer weather report.
GARY: [frying an egg on the sidewalk]
I quit. Back to you, John.
[Heaven]
God: Sorry I pulled you away from earth
Stan Lee: Nuff said!
God: It’s just part of the job
Stan Lee: well with great power… [winks]
I like to sneak a donut into the salad bar so everyone will ask, “WAIT, THERE’S DONUTS?” and I say, “Sorry, last one!” and then eat it.
my friend, ted: i hear you’re pretty competitive
me: yeah i guess so
my enemy, ted: want to play a game
Due to the current economic situation, I’ve decided to start a dating site for chickens.
It’s not my full time job.
I’m just doing it to make hens meet.
I don’t know why smokey the bear carries a shovel, but it scares the shit out of me.
if you tell me to watch until the end, the end better be in five seconds
i asked myself if i was crazy and we all said no stop playin w me
Did you ever ask your parents what went wrong, people named Lasagna?
Adonis folding laundry is still Adonis…but hotter because he’s folding laundry
I peed in the ocean yesterday and the fish are still drunk today.
*at Pearly Gates
Cat (in dog costume): Uh bark
St. Peter: Mittens, I said no
Most annoying times to be attacked by bees
3. Seconds after selling your beekeeper’s suit
2. A day before you’re due to set a record for the longest anyone’s gone without being stung by a bee
1. During a battle to the death with your arch-nemesis who’s wearing a beekeeper’s suit
I’m too old to still be “getting too old for this.” I’ve arrived.
[Family Feud]
What’s your answer?!
*whispers into microphone*
Please help me, I don’t even know these people
Literally nothing makes me more angry than watching my kid yawn an hour after he dragged me out of bed at 5am.
[first date]
Her: omg are you wearing a cape? Lol
Me: [texting mom] ok you were right about the cape
People are having sex, kissing, and cuddling right now and you are reading this….. trust me I’m not happy about this either🙄🙄🙄
psychic: [sees guy in crowd w/ a pony tail] Sir did u know a Chad?
“yes”
From karate?
“YES”
Chad wants u to know he’s ok
*guy starts crying*
No matter how many shocking surprises life throws at you, you’re never quite prepared to hear a British person pronounce the word “vitamin”
me: lol THAT’S your sword?
enemy: this blade can cut through steel
me: [confidently] I’m not even made out of steel you idiot
me: can I try
satan: no
me: why not
satan pausing xbox: well it wouldn’t be hell then would it
WIFE: *spells out words so the kids won’t know what she is saying*
ME: [to the kids] I don’t know either.