I’ve always been a late bloomer. Everyone is going on about Barbie and Oppenheimer and I’m still here posting my wordle
You Might Also Like
The duck was completely silent the entire ride. Didn’t say a single word to me. Five stars.
I picked my nephew up from school & I asked him “how was school?” This boy gonna say “Why you ask me that everytime you see me, you never went to school?”
When you feel unsuccessful, keep in mind that there are professional Bigfoot hunters.
They’re a pack of lions
He’s some guy who hates lions
Together, they’re:
PRIDE AND PREJUDICEThis fall on CBS
Paper plates don’t have to go so hard with the marketing. Whimsical floral design? I just need to know microwaveable y/n
I can’t feel my face when I’m with you, but I love it.
Doctor: This is your third Botox appointment. That wasn’t even funny the first time.
Me: GUESS WHO BOUGHT A MEGAPHONE?
Neighbour: Get out of my house!
Me: You’re not even guessing.
Me: that was easy, what was my time? 3 minutes?
Escape room employee: ma’am we’re gonna need you to replace this door
love can touch us one time and last for a lifetime
*herpes
My birthstone is a marshmallow.
I wear a ski mask wherever I go but only rob ski resorts. It’s quite ingenious really. Let me explain…
You learn something new everyday. Yesterday I learned eating 29 SlimJims gives me diarrhea. Today I learned eating 28 also gives me diarrhea
(home depot)
frosty: so…i hear this is where I can find a snowblower
Just read about something called “runner’s diarrhea” so no way am I ever running and taking that chance.
There’s a fine line between myth and reality and booze blurs it nicely.
The most dangerous types of canoes are volcanoes.
So embarrassing when you leave the bathroom and someone points out you have toilet paper stuck to your teeth.
When you’re Kinky but poor
her: *tasting the punch* this is delicious, what’s your secret?
me: i added ginger
her: *laughing* my cat is called ginger
ginger: *wet meows*
I went to church today just to thank God I’m not Miley Cyrus.
Them: There’s more to you than meets the eye, isn’t there?
Me: Absolutely not.
Today I spent an extra $10 to get to $50, just so I could get a $15 gift card. My wife is so proud.
Dear Kids,
“16 & Pregnant” is a TV show, not a Challenge…
We do this thing at my house where somebody puts an empty pizza box on top of the trash can and then someone else puts trash on top of that and then another person puts trash on top of that and suddenly we’re all playing jenga in reverse
A good Scotch should taste like how a haunted 17th century wardrobe smells.
*Hello this is your pilot speaking, we still have about 9 hours in the air so let me entertain you folks reading you some of my tweets*
Looking at the huge commercial success of the ‘Barbie’ movie means I’m already bracing myself for the inevitable ‘Mr. Clean’ movie starring Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson.
I wasn’t always a Reply Guy. I used to talk to the TV.
I was 36 before I figured out most of my dad’s advice to me was just quotes from Burt Reynolds movies.
He stole my heart, so I stole his last name. Is the slogan of a very famous body parts and new ID shop in Mexico.