I act like I’m ok, but really this hummus is a bit spicier than I anticipated.
You Might Also Like
Love is always patient and kind.
I love how Simba acts upset when Mufasa dies as if he didn’t just do a choreographed musical number called “I Just Can’t Wait To Be King”.
*5 puts on shoes*
Me: they’re on the wrong feet.
5: but I can’t…
Me: can’t..?
5 I don’t have any more feet to put them on.
Me: touche
“Asphyxiate’ would be worth like a million points…” I thought to myself as I lay choking on a Scrabble tile.
Them: I really really really want a zigga zig ahhh
Hostage negotiator: ok but you need to let the women and children go first.
That moment when u get shampoo in your eye
And start wondering what you will name your guide dog.
Friday the 13th is my favorite movie about killing anyone having more sex than me
If you’re drunk when you die, are you drunk forever…?
Accordion to a recent survey, inserting musical instruments into sentences largely goes unnoticed.
*sees a racoon in the neighbor’s trash*
I won’t say anything if you don’t.
*continues rummaging*
My kids have eaten one bite out of everything in our refrigerator today.
I’m trying to explain to my mother how to get pictures off her phone, while we’re on the phone, and everything is awful.
Jan. 1, 2021: We did it, guys! That awful year is behind us!
Aug. 4, 2021: The snake wolves have taken Illinois. Here’s what that means for Ohio volcano refugees.
[board meeting]
“So Mr Parachute do you have a name for your invention?”
“I call it the ‘Makes the Ground Come at You a Bit Slower’.”
“No.”
“I don’t care how goodlooking you are if you don’t have any brains.” -Zombies
People laugh cos I’ve got 3 cats, but come the next Ice Age, when I speed past you on my cat sled, who’ll be laughing then?
[first date w/ someone who works on an online support chat window]
me: [pulls away from passionate kiss goodnight] this was fun, let’s do i it again sometime…
her: definitely
me: [turns to walk away]
her: thanks for chatting. is there anything else I can help you with today?
ten years ago we had Jason Shoes, Carl Shirt and Daniel Problem. now we have no shoes no shirt no problem welcom to dennys what can i get u
*During sex*
Him: come on baby, moan for me….
Me: why didn’t you take the bloody rubbish out like I asked?
Carrot raisin salad. When you want to eat something horrible, 3 times.
I buy blocks of cheese.
For the grater good.
casting director: can you play a Canadian?
me: eh?
casting director: [under breath] holy shit
[interview at bank]
Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?
Me: I’ve been told I’m a terrible bank robber
Interviewer: what
Me: *looking at fish tank* so is that the safe?
i did the math
Text your dad “egg salad sandwich” four times in one day. He’ll probably think his phone is broken.
Aww, I feel bad for never letting you win. Here, you can have my Playstation, my Xbox 360, and my Nintendo Switch!
*sniff* Don’t try to console me
BRITISH COMPANY: *gives free estimates*
AMERICAN COMPANY: *gives free estifriends*
I’m sitting next to a beautiful woman at a bar so now it’s only a matter of time before nothing happens.
Why would I buy a pumpkin at the store for $5 when I can drive 30 miles & pay to make my kids walk through a field to pick our own for $27.
“PARTY FOWL” someone yelled as the drunk duck did another keg stand