Would like to think i’m a chill person but i did a jigsaw puzzle the other day with people who had bad puzzle etiquette and i nearly put my fist through the glass top of the coffee table.
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im VERY laid back. i only care about 2 things:
every person on earth & their opinion of me
the crushing psychological weight of being alive
A wise man once said if you understand why pizza is round, placed in a square box, and eaten as a triangle you will also understand falling victim to reading a long meaningless tweet and then share it in hopes of making someone else a victim of the tweeters cruel game.
Dr: You have walking pneumonia.
Me: That’s impossible.
Dr: Wha..
Me: I’ve never walked a day in my life.
Dentist: when was the last time you flossed?
Me: look, I only need you so they can identify my body should shit go down
*hannibal lecter’s shopping list*
fava beans
a nice chianti
dave
Me: This “Fear the Walking Dead” show is really creepy.
Wife: This is the Video Music Awards.
Can’t…too busy yelling at all the other drivers on the road. “Why do you have a license!!!!”
That motorcycle salesman didn’t have to laugh when I asked if they came with training wheels.
My wife just shouted “I’M NOT A MIND READER” during an argument that began with her saying “I know what you’re thinking”
When she jokingly asks “You’re not a serial killer, are you?”
It is NOT okay to jokingly say, “Well, you’d be my first!” in response.
once when i was a waitress, there was a horse hitched behind the bar.
i asked my boss why. she said “bc you cant get a dui on a horse”
i asked her y not. and she looked at me like i was the absolute stupidest person alive and told me “bc the horse knows wheres its goin”
#TT
At 14 I yelled, “You’ll NEVER understand Morrissey,dad!!” and tried to run dramatically out of the room but ran into a wall & fell over.
It’s like nobody in this McDonalds has seen a guy spreading marmalade on a Big Mac before.
NEWS ANCHOR: Here’s Gary with day 1 of his outdoor summer weather report.
GARY: [frying an egg on the sidewalk]
I quit. Back to you, John.
I’ll take an ice cream sandwich please. You know what? I’m trying to be healthy, can you change that to an ice cream salad instead? Thanks
Apple managed to launch IPhone 8 and make it outdated all in a span of 25 minutes #AppleEvent
I’m at the point in my life where “friend with benefits” just means a person who gives me their Bed Bath & Beyond coupons.
If you hold a croissant to your ear like a phone it connects you to the president of France.
Best movie gangster: The iceberg in Titanic
[Crime Scene]
Detective: Looks like the killer used a wheelbarrow to dump the victim.
[in the shed a wheelbarrow grins, his seventh kill]
Shin bruises only take about 8 years to heal
I am now referring to my parents as numbers like you guys refer to your kids.
72 & 70 are coming to visit, send wine.
Saturday
Accidentally left the plunger in the toilet, so yeah the wife is wide awake now.
overheard from a 2nd grade zoom today
Teacher: Ok now, what’s at the end of life
7 y/o: that’s a…. I mean, that’s a big… it’s complicated…
Teacher: I mean the word “life”
People:
I’m leaving Twitter, no telling when I’m coming ba…
I’m back.
Tonight we’re cooking together, period. I’ll serve the cereal, you pour the milk
Could a murderer do THIS?
*lawyer points to defendant doing cool tap dance*
I remind the jury that only guilty feet have got no rhythm.
Husband: Give me one example.
Me: ALL the times.
Husband: Those don’t count.
The great thing about roadkill is you can teach your kid about wildlife and road safety simultaneously