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[Work Lunchroom]
Co-worker: Man, remember when we we were poor and used to eat things like Mac n Cheese with hotdog at every meal?
Me: *slowly closing my bag lunch* *nervous chuckle* Haha. Yeah totally.
The best thing about humans is that many of the richest and most prosperous among us collect bottles of rotten grape juice.
The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink
Gonna tell my kids this is how game of thrones ended
My dog went to the vet for a check up. they said they needed to get a pic for her profile.
I log into the portal to get results and THIS is what came up 😂
long ago, the four philosophers lived together in harmony
*falls from grace*
PARKOUR!
how was your vacation
[meeting]
DIRECTOR: I want amazing CGI
PRODUCER: Yes!
D: A huge cast
P: Agreed!
D: Realistic family photos
P: We don’t have the budget
Smoking will kill you. Bacon is bad for you.
But smoking bacon will cure it.
And no thanking Jesus unless he actually shows up at the ceremony
guy in the apt next door asked me if I’d be interested in pretending to be his gf for the next 2 days while his ex is in town, so my life is officially a sitcom
I’m putting together a team
For years I thought the ghost in my house was trying to scare me, turns out he was just booing my awful jokes
Me: wow. Your room is a mess
4: you can clean it
Me: but you made the mess
4: I know you can do it
Me: I’d love some help
4: you’ve got this, Mama
Me: I’ll wait until the end of time for you
Her: Ok good that was my plan too
Remember, don’t stoop to their level. If someone is murdering you, tell them their knife is cool and they’re good at stabbing. Be nice
Everyone at this exorcism is being like really mean to me
Bringing Egg Nog to Thanksgiving just for the evil glares.
[grocery store]
Ok, milk… Check!
Eggs… Check!
Tomatoes… Check!“Sir, can you wait for the total and just write one check please?”
Don’t bite the hand that feeds you, But don’t bite any other hands either because that is how diseases are spread.
*pulls up to drive thru window
Hi yes, do you guys deliver?
Brenda had wanted to surprise her husband with a camouflage theme Christmas tree but it’s almost March and they still can’t find it.
It’s so cold today, I just grabbed the first 2 kids that got off the bus.
They look like nice kids, the redhead seems a little feisty.
shout out to the women in the hot dog eating contest who ate 2 dogs in 5 minutes… no competitive streak no urgency just taking the stage for a light lunch
Call me old fashioned but I still drink to get drunk.
If you were thinking of having kids, just know my 5 yr old daughter is upset and crying because her 3 yr old sister likes the same color as her.
Me: Hey, baby. Want to come over?
Him: No, I’m sorry. I’m contemplating the meaning of life.
Me: I’m naked and alone 😏
Him: We all are…
West Side Story gave me the wrong impression. No one at this gang fight is a good dancer and I’ve been shot in the arm.
Marriage is an institution. So is the mental hospital.