O: put your seatbelt on, honey
o: i will, mom
O: you ready?
ø: yes
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*pulls fire alarm in apt building*
*everyone runs outside*
[Me on megaphone]IVE GATHERED U HERE B/C SOME OF U STILL HAVE CHRISTMAS LIGHTS UP
My child saw my high school senior picture and practically screeched “MOM WHY DIDNT YOU TELL ME YOU WERE PRETTY??!!” so you guys just go ahead without me
Just when I’ve finally gotten everything cleaned and put in the dishwasher, my kid comes marching in with her museum collection of dishes and cups
Things Women Over 30 Should Never Wear
1. exploding glove
2. ham sandwich
3. flaming fireplace
4. Dead bird helmet
6. shark eggs
Ever notice when you need to delete a phone app and you get the icons jiggling? They seem all panicky about who’s getting cut from the team
Farts are like children. The only ones that I like are my own.
[God making raccoons]
GOD: I want a goth red panda
ANGEL: so like… a regular panda
GOD: no, make it small
ANGEL: okay
GOD: [taking bong rip] … and good at shoplifting
birds are named like red cockaded woodpecker and black headed grosbeak and no one says shit about it
[sexting]
HER: I want u so bad
ME: badly
HER: what?
ME: badly…not bad…it should be an adverb
HER: you don’t sext very good
ME: you mean I don’t sext very WELL
Trains delayed due to:
– Wrong kind of sun
– Ominous cloud
– Slightly damp leaf
– Chilly track
– Suspicious gravel
– Sarcastic swan
Weird; People in my office have started naming the food in the company fridge. Today I ate a tuna sandwich named Kevin.
*twirls fork through hair*
So, is it is really murder if you stab them when they stand between you and your cake?
roses are red
violets are blue
i hate the sounds
you make when you chew
ME: i have a cold
WIFE: for the last time it’s called an ice cube
They say “pick your battles”, so today Oreos win.
VOICEMAIL: I’m sorry I can’t come to the phone right now, my toddler typed the wrong password 200 times so I can’t try again until next year
Everyone on FB is posting the status- I voted. I guess it’s truthful Tuesday so I posted- I once killed a hobo & hid his body in a barrel.
ok i’m just gonna say it… it seems petty that money comes out of my account every *single* time i buy something. give me a break
I told my friend he’s a bad thief. He’s not taking it well.
Millennials complain a lot about how we can’t afford homes or retirement savings like our parents, but we have a lot of things they didn’t…like GPS, food allergies, adult acne, side hustles, and fluency in mental health terminology.
cute girl: can i have ur number?
me: [sweating nervously] then what number am i gonna use
Most people think that being in your 50s is now classed as the new 30s.
Take my word for It, the police speed cameras think differently
My wife put the screws leftover from the dishwasher repair in a frame and hung it on the wall.
It’s not funny.
9 out of 7 people can’t do fractions
[text]
Her: I picked up buffalo wings.
Me: * moves furniture around
* rolls out plastic sheeting
[group therapy]
IAN: Hi. I’m Ian. I’m racist
[others nod]
ME: Hi. I’m Mat. I use landscape keyboard on my phone
[screaming]
[Ian pukes]
Batman’s Bat Signal was really banking on the fact that crimes only happened at night.
I have a dream that one day I’ll be able to toss banana peels out of my car and not be judged as a litterer, but as a Mario Kart strategist.
Some of my friends are discussing why Harrison Ford is still playing Indiana Jones but honestly, having an 80-year-old professor not retire is like the most accurate part of the franchise