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3 unravelled an entire toilet roll when I wasn’t looking so I wrapped him in it, stood him in the corner of the bathroom and told him to spin round slowly when someone needs to use it
If I was stuck on a desert island with only one record, I would want it to be the record for being able to swim the farthest.
Neighbors of serial killers always describe them as “really nice” people.
Who else is a “really nice” neighbor?
Canada.
I’m just sayin’
Sponch
At Christmas, a eight year old asked if I had ever heard of smash bros.
Nope never, let’s play, I’m sure I’ll have beginners luck
Dads will be like “I don’t cry” but then get misty-eyed thinking about how beautifully they backed into a parking spot
Me: so what does your husband do?
Her: he’s a dermatologist
Me: pore guy :/
News: Gas shortage
Me: Haha
News: Chic-fil-a sauce shortage
Me: NO
They say genius skips a generation.In our case it fell off our family tree and died.
could a mosquito drink blood out of a cup or something or are they legally required to capri sun my legs all summer
PATIENT: my stomach is killing me, doc
DR DOG: I’ve got just the thing for you *hands him a prescription bottle filled with grass*
me: does anyone here play baseball
england: *crickets*
My doctor said to have a reasonable meal for dinner, so I talked some sense into my pizza.
“So it’s agreed? If we’re both single at age 40 we’re doing this?”
Yes. If we’re alone at 40, we’re getting matching racecar beds
[Andes’ plane crash survivors diary]
Day 1: Gary’s cheering us up telling jokes
Day 2: Same jokes
Day 4: We all hate Gary
Day 6: We ate Gary
Actually, your email does not find me well. I had to talk on the phone twice today, my bananas ripened too quickly and I found a fork in the spoon section of the drawer.
My life is spiraling out of control.
Two Ways Sharks Can Die:
1. if they stop swimming
2. if they start swimming (into my fists)
[Blazing hot day]
Don’t forget to take a jacket, it might get cold.
~ My mom.
“Does anyone else smell barbecue, or is it just me?”
– Joan of Arc
Whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office is in big trouble. You have my Word.
Me: “I’m so lonely.”
Microscopic organism: “Wow, I’m right here.”
Went to the dentist today. My teeth are fine. I just wanted to hear some of my songs.
welcome to your parents’ house, where the wifi password is fEtbqP2LVp3U6Hkh
I’d rather get killed by the Blair Witch on the first night than have to camp another night.
Gin and tonic is weird, sometimes I need a lime wedge and sometimes I need to tell everyone what’s on my mind and then pass out.
[job interview]
“You wrote here your biggest weakness is not knowing what irony means.”
“Ironic isn’t it? Is it? I don’t know.”
Men with salt and pepper hair and healthy self-care habits will do that thing you like*
*Remind you to drink water.
[job interview for psychic]
INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
ME: Well played.
I HAVE DECIDED TO MAKE A CONSCIOUS DECISION NOT TO HAVE MY MIND “BLOWN” ANYMORE. IF DINOSAURS COME BACK & I SEE ONE I’LL JUST BE LIKE “GOOD”
This day in history. 1940. Carbon-14 was discovered, allowing us to estimate the age of organic materials such as wood, leather, and Cher.