Let’s face it, he wouldn’t be as universally loved if his name was Kevin Turkey Bacon.
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*Licking my plate clean
Girlfriend)You still have to wash that
Me)This house is a prison
I ran out of coffee this morning, beer seemed like an acceptable replacement. Everyone is so pretty today.
responding “ummmm i have a boyfriend” anytime a coworker asks me to do something in my job description
Me: Babe, can you zip this for me?
Him: That’s an inflatable sumo suit.
Me: I’m flying United today.
Him: Don’t forget your helmet.
HR: Do you know why you’re here?
Me: Telling my manager I was praying when he caught me sleeping?
HR:
Me: …the pro wrestling match in the cubicle?
HR:
Me: …that whole Flashdance routine at the holiday party?
HR:
Me: Maybe I should just let you tell me.
Not enough arguments are settled with a dance off.
Too much insomnia causes caffeine.
The reason a dog has so many friends is because he wags his tail instead of his tongue. 🐕
me: I hope you don’t mind that I got a dog for our son
wife: of course not, where is he
me: I just told you
I made garlic mashed potatoes and there isn’t a vampire for miles that is brave enough to come near us.
My doctor’s office scheduled my appointment 6 months from now and asked me if that’s good.
I don’t know what I’m doing 2 hours from now, but sure.
You can buy a 48-pack of referee whistles on Amazon for $8. Give them to the kids of people you hate.
I once told a guy that I was really into physics so he surprised me with a copy of Stephen Hawking’s A Brief History of Time and that was the exact moment I remembered the word I was looking for was psychics.
good work, everybody
* Finds what I’m looking for
* Can’t remember why I was looking
Boomer neighbors on NextDoor: “Kids never go outside and play anymore! The parks and alleys are empty!”
Boomer neighbors IRL: “How dare neighborhood children play a game of basketball outside on a summer evening at a nice normal volume! Go inside!”
[restaurant]
*motions for waiter*
Waiter! Bill please!
*Bill comes out & dances embarrassingly to entertain me & the guests*
Thanks Bill!
i always see couples holding hands but how do you become part of a couple? do you just leave your hand out and if someone holds it, you’re a couple
I don’t even want to eat butter chicken without having some warm leavened flatbread first. That’s a Naan starter for me
I’m about to lose 20 pounds.
*Releases the weight of everyone’s expectations off my shoulders.
opening myfitnesspal and crying while i log Ginger Bread House three times
Ratatouille me.
Sit on my head and pull my hair.
My three favorite things are eating my family and not using commas.
Tried to save some money by getting Halloween candy at Aldi. I hope kids like Twicks, Skattles, and 4 Musketeers.
[Rappers job interview]
Boss: What is your biggest weakness?
Me: My rhyme game is weak. I can’t speak. I’m a geek. Birds have feathers.
Sitting on the patio having coffee a bee lands on my arm I am still no flailing of arms I become one with the bee
Narrator: bee stings the shit out of him
When you want to key his car, but he doesn’t have one, so you bend his bus pass.
*changes column width by one millimeter in Microsoft Word*
*table stretches to five pages*
My 9yo just asked me: if I fail a test was it me who did bad or the teacher? 🤯