murderer 1: well this is awkward
murderer 2: omg Dave what are you doing here
murderer 1: how’s Rachel?
murderer 2: she’s good, she just-
me: EXCUSE ME
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Me: I thought you were going to read.
10-year-old: I am.
Me: You’re watching a movie.
10: I got it from the library.
Checkmate.
yeah not falling for this one
The first Hobbit movie was half the book. The second, about a quarter. In the sixth instalment, the group has a 3 hour breakfast and a nap.
Historical fact: The term “bro” originated over a hundred million years ago and was short for brontosaurus.
*spits out mouthful of peacock feathers* I’m sorry, I thought these were for just anyone to eat. *gets escorted from zoo*
A haunted house but for your spouse and lurking behind every corner is a larger and larger Amazon box.
“You can definitely fit thru there…just get a running start”
~ whiskey
I’m sorry I showed you snaps from my colonoscopy after you made me look at your ultrasound. I thought we were sharing pics of our innards.
detective: can you describe the crime scene?
me: which one i seen lots of crimes.
I have been using teeth whitener, and now they are completely oblivious to the experiences and sufferings of other peoples.
Homeschooling isn’t going great but at least my son has learned the skill of hiding in the bathroom in case he has kids one day
I hate when I give people nicknames like “stupid face” on my phone and I cant remember who the stupid face is.
imagine a frog. good. now imagine a frog wearing a party hat and playin a lil tambourine. even better
So wild that you can walk into any Walmart, open a Ouija Board in the game aisle, summon a Demon and then just leave.
Yes, your mother loves you. Mothers are notoriously poor judges of character.
I went from “easy peasy lemon squeezy” to “messy distressy lemon zesty” in ten years.
If I’m suddenly acting really nice to you, chances are it’s only because I want what you’re eating.
[ants at a Def Leppard concert]
*Pour Some Sugar on Me starts*
Ant 1: Oh hell yeah I love this one
Ant 2: Sugar is good for us and the queen
My daughter just described someone as “looking like she was drawn from memory” and I think that’s the best insult I’ve ever heard.
Ahh, the joy of being the obsessively punctual guy married to Mrs. Latetoherownfuneral.
H: Why do you always wear your hair in a ponytail?
Me: I can’t afford a face lift.
They say you should do something every day that scares you so I napped without the little pillow between my knees and now my lower back is terrified.
“I’d hit that!” -Helpful blackjack dealer
Nothing makes me more stabby than when my husband ignores me and starts talking to the dog.
*working in pediatric ER*
me: hi my name is Josh and I’m going to be your doctor today!
kid: what is that *points to badge*
me: this is my hospital ID badge! I was having a very bad hair day that day haha
kid: it looks the same today
me:
A “cup of Joe” has a completely different meaning at the sperm bank
Little straws like capri sun but for Taco Bell hot sauce packets.
my 80yr/o grandma is on facebook & she is a living click-bait article, she didn’t even tell me what to do with it
[watching as my wife throws out a box of miscellaneous cords] no! my legacy
[tightening roller skates]
“stop worrying about me mom, I’m in a very dangerous gang, but we are really fast”