HEY TWITTER IF I WANTED 10,000 CHARACTERS THAT I WASN’T INTERESTED IN I WOULD START WATCHING GAME OF THRONES
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DID YOU KNOW: If every person on the planet lined up along the Earth’s equator, most of them would drown.
It should be a law that if you display a perfect family photo in your house, the six outtakes it took should be elsewhere around the house.
I had no idea we were still brushing our teeth.
Looking forward to the video call with my mother and having a hearty conversation with her magnified thumb
this atm and my therapist need to get together and pick a lane
*watching TV*
*pours bowl of Grape-Nuts*
*turns on closed captions*
[to the tune of little drummer boy]
baaaaby shaaark, doo
doo doo doo doo doo
What about a haunted doll that reminds you to take your birth control
How does Darth Vader like his steaks? Done done done done da done done da done.
Please don’t block me.
I’m a people pleaser, unless you don’t like that. Then I’m not.
Her: Hey, what does this dress say to you?
*Whirls Around*
Me: I’m not in the mood to listen to your clothes right now, I’m drinking!!
*tries to wave goodbye to the genie without spilling my 3 giant milkshakes*
why do we call them railroad tracks and not training lines
it was the best of times, it was the cursed of times
Shipwreck survivors on an island
S1: We told you to spell ‘SOS’ with those coconuts!
S2: I know but I want our rescuers to know I’m a vegan.
[Watching Alien: Resurrection]
*Alien dies*
Me: *skeptical* Not buying it.
3 drinks in and that skateboard outside is looking rideable.
customer: I want to buy a chameleon but I don’t see any
me: that’s how good they are
customer: the cage door is open
me: *looking around nervously* oh no
“First you bug me to go out, and now you want to come right back in? You’ve been out there for like thirty seconds. Did you at least pee? Tell me you at least peed.”
Friend: What’s it like living in a large family?
Me: It’s like the tv show Survivor except we’re all related.
Have you seen the Christmas pizza at Domino’s?
The baby cheese crust.
Make friends with an enemy today. Hug them. Caress their cheek. Lick their eyeball. Cough directly into their mouth.
On my flight to Montreal, the 20 something sitting next to me passed on her in flight snacks. I don’t understand this generation.
Chinese Food: $16.72
Gas to Get to Restaurant: $1.94
Getting Home and Realizing They Forgot One of Your Food Containers: Riceless
me: [picking my nose]
surgeon: great choice
Buying a well is money well spent.
sick of fancy drinks with simple syrup. if you are gonna charge me $15, i want complicated syrup. this mojito better frame me for murder
me and my boys moving from one free sample station to another at costco