Kid: Can we pleeease stop for ice cream?
Mom: What did I just say?!?
Kid: Don’t you remember?
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When I make my first million, Im switching from 2 ply toilet paper to white bread.
As a kid my mom laughed at me because I was always worrying about being shot with a crossbow while on the toilet. Well who’s laughing now?
If you’re happy and you know it….it’s the wine.
“I’d have to say my two favorite things are sex, and not having my head bitten off.”
-soon to be disappointed praying mantis
Arguing over who really won the spelling bee but it’s their word against mine
“I’m Bond. James Bond”.
Well, Mr Bond. Allow me to introduce myself.
I’m Evil. Ken Evil.
[speeds cycle up ramp]
[jumps 8 cars & a bus]
[First Date]
Him: Great dress.
Me: Oh, this?*flips hair*
*twirls*
*skirt flares*
*foot catches*
*face plants*Him:
Me: Hey! Come back!
i have never needed anything in my life more than this
Saw a bumper sticker that said ‘Jesus is the answer.’ Two cars later I saw one that said ‘Who farted?’ Best game of Highway Jeopardy ever.
why does every 4-way stop remind me of a group project?
CLOSE THE DOOR, YOU’RE LETTING ALL THE WIFI OUT
Using a cellphone in 90’s: “he’s prob a drug dealer”
Using a payphone today: “he’s prob a drug dealer”
[NASCAR Press Conference]
REPORTER: What’s your race strategy?
DRIVER: Fast circles
If Barbie and Oppenheimer has taught us anything its that there should always be two movies
Reviews of Hogwarts
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“The very best school of wizarding and witchcraft”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Great teachers, superb quidditch field”⭐☆☆☆☆
“At least one student dies every year”
If you pitch a non-superhero, non-remake, non-sequel film in Hollywood they send your family to a work camp.
8 out of 24 Americans cannot reduce a fraction.
*Looking to buy a house*
ME: So, tell me about the neighborhood.
REALTOR: Great school district, very safe neighbo…
ME: No, I mean like the bars.. Are the bars close to here and do I need an Uber or can I just walk to them? What are their happy hour specials like?
Your baby is cute but terrible at helping me move.
accidentally emailed my kid’s kindergarten enrollment form to UC Berkeley admissions instead of Berkeley Unified School District. we’ll see what happens. maybe he’ll get in
No one takes their job more seriously than the guy that glues down the start of the toilet paper roll.
Do you prefer to travel by gravy train or gravy boat
Any room can be a bathroom if you hate the person who’s house you’re in.
First date idea: you, me, and a blanket
under the stars. We slap the shit out of each other but it’s sweet because of all the mosquitoes
Way back when, I thought technology would look more like flying cars and less like me yelling “The laptop’s not a touch screen,” at my kids.
Life can only give you lemons if you answer the door.
Kids are great at pretend play, like how they pretend no one’s home when the doorbell rings haha wait just kidding ain’t no way they’re doin’ that.
Gonna shake things up and start signing emails off with, “In loving memory of, Me”
If I ever had an out-of-body experience I would at least insist upon an upgrade upon my return.
{Favorite Halloween Prank at Walmart}
Old Lady: Your son is adorable
4 yr. old: *running down aisles*
Me: Mam’ My son died 10 years ago.