The barista can’t deal with the man’s ‘Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee’ shirt.
Her mouth opens, then closes.
The line grows.
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If you ever need to find evidence to prove someone’s guilt or innocence, always check the pudding first.
If you’re a pilot with a man bun, I’m calling you Top Bun, and you can’t stop me.
Yog see woman
Yog ask woman out
Yog go on date
Yog fall in love
Yog act like an idiot
Yog get dumped
Yoghurt.
Sex is like riding a bike…..no matter how confident you are, you’re not allowed to do it naked in the park.
I don’t get the objection to gays adopting.
Simba was adopted by two guys & I think everybody would agree he turned out to be quite badass.
I only needed to open the last 7 presents I’d wrapped before I found the one I’d left the scissors in this year, which is nice.
Real girls have curves. A real girl is just one long, continuous curve. Do not date girl unless she is a parabola.
old people with oxygen tanks are sneaking away to live in an underwater utopia
Took my dog to the vet this morning. There was a dog named “snot.” Wtf is wrong with people! 😡
You think you’re your own worst critic? Just wait till you have kids
[first day as a scientist]
Scientist: you have a budget of $1.3m
*2 weeks later*
Scientist: we need a progress update
Me [has blown the budget on an army of genetically engineered dog size giraffes]: wind is basically air in a hurry
I woke up in the middle of the night and wrote “dentists are liars” into my phone. Not really sure what the plan is with that.
[animal noises] it’s only those with a destination who can be lost
My husband sure has a lot of opinions on which movie he’s gonna sleep through.
Oh sweet, I was wondering how every corporation I’ve ever given my email to was handling COVID-19.
So, is Dora 18 yet, or what? Asking for a friend.
I didn’t realize that “sow your wild oats” is a metaphor, so I pretty much spent my early twenties farming.
Dentist: this is gonna hurt a little bit
Me: ok
Dentist: I’ve been sleeping with your mom
[running into my ex]
Ex: omg it’s you
Me: yeah
Ex: we should exchange numbers
Me: I don’t think that’s a good idea
Ex: you backed into my car though
Me: look we’ve both moved on
Wife: HAHAHAHAHA
Me: HAHAHAHAHA
[we put our clothes back on]
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
Has anyone else noticed what beautiful eyelashes giraffes have, or am I just lonely?
I lost 30 lbs, and did it without exercising or changing my diet! Ask me how.
Not right now, though. I’m waiting for my meth dealer to call.
Pilot: Plane’s too heavy, must shed 5 passengers!
Co-Pilot: A deserted island’s below us…
*lock eyes* We have to MAROON 5!
*plane implodes
[on phone]
“Press 1 if you’re a huge nerd”
“Press 2 if you’re a virgin”
“Press 3 if y-”STOP TALKING, DAD! I’m trying to call Xbox support
Me: *being pulled from my smashed car by paramedics & put on a stretcher*
My mom: WAIT! *running up to the ambulance, out of breath* this never would’ve happened if you drank more water
Sorry my emotional support panther ate your emotional support peacock.
My son asked why some mommies and daddies live in different houses, so I sat him down and told him the truth… their kids complained about slow WiFi and never went to bed on time.
*Shovel
*Lye
*GlovesCashier: “Gardening project?”
Me: “Nope”*Bleach
*Duct tape
*Tarp
Apparently my friends have been spreading rumors that I have a gambling problem. I’m not sure who leaked this, but my money’s on Josh.