My house isn’t messy, it’s whimsical.
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Cop *pulling me over*: alright, is there anything I should know about?
Me: heart attack symptoms of men and women differ a lot. Men have chest pain while women mostly feel nauseous
Cop: awesome, see, I didn’t know that. Have a nice day
seems like H&M is expecting a rush on Victorian funerals
I don’t know what his crime was, but he seems like my kind of people.
My coffee maker isn’t working and I can’t help but think that I could come up with a solution if I only had some coffee
I don’t trust people with glasses, they could be superman
I just remembered today is the day when a bunch of people tweet super bowel
Precious was concerned about how long it was taking to make a snack choice.
Another morning waking up not knowing where tf you are or how you got there.
The French cow says MEUX…
Kids today are so coddled- Elf on the Shelf, Toy Story. In my day, if dolls magically came to life, they murdered you and everyone you loved
[planning heist]
LEADER: we can kill the alarm, but how do we get through the concrete wall?
*everyone turns to look at the kool-aid man*
Only parents of toddlers know the anxiety of finding a sharpie lid on the floor.
The good news is, Tony Abbott says Australia may have spotted two pieces of the plane. The bad news is, Tony Abbott says a lot of things.
I find old cables in my house that I know I should throw out but then I’m like ‘nah I better keep that just incase someone comes round with a nokia n95 and needs to connect it to a fax machine’.
[trapped inside a volcano]
Me:
Toddler:
Me:
Toddler: Be Careful…
Me: *sigh*
Toddler: The floor is lava…
Dear Diary—
Today’s the day! I’m going to go up to that cute barista and say: “ALEX! MY NAME IS ALEX! WHERE DO YOU COME UP WITH ‘ARVIN’?! IS THAT EVEN A REAL NAME?!”
Cashier: Bag or plastic sir
Me: Neither
(scoops up forty items under my shirt and walks out)
My husband is lecturing me on cyber security which is hilarious coming from someone who has imslimshady1234 as his password.
Living check to check is fine til you go from “Think I’ll treat myself to a $7 latte” to “Which kid do I sell to pay for these car repairs.”
If someone catches me staring I quickly look to my left & right so they think “oh that girl’s not looking at ME she’s looking at EVERYTHING”
local news anchors be like “dry cleaners robbed. more as it unfolds” or “priceless da Vinci stolen. details are sketchy” or “pool hall tables vandalized. cops have just scratched the surface” or “building elevator plunges. residents feel shafted” or “
Me: if a ghostbuster dies and becomes a ghost, do they have to bust themselves
Interviewer: that’s an excellent question about the job
Whenever I motorboat a stripper, I spend more time on the left boob cuz its closer to the heart. I’m a die hard romantic.
My life is like that Rihanna song :work, work and work, and then I don’t understand anything else.
[gets invited to a party where kids are welcome]
*me to my baby goat* This is your moment to shine!
2 years later
Hi, I joined a cult.
*got an air fryer
Me: Did you use my highlighter?
2-year-old:
Me:
2:
Me:
2: No.
Apparently she’s always been neon yellow.
I blame cartoon elephants for influencing how I overreact when I see a mouse.
[at funeral] You really had to see him live