I wish I could feed people I don’t like to my cat.
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“it’s the thought that counts” doesn’t include showering. You have to actually do that.
It started out How did it end
with a Sith up like this?
My husband said we need to have an important talk, and guess what it was about? Time Travel. 👍🤣❤️
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: is this the man who robbed u
*holds up picture of himself*
ME: yes
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: give me ur wallet
ME: dang it
Spring allergies- because my body likes to panic about plant sex
anyone have any tips for making eggs that won’t leave my toaster a huge mess?
Wish I could focus on anything with even half the intensity of my dog watching me eat yogurt.
[Raiding ISIS Safehouse]
Green leader: Area secured. Over
Me: Apple Turn. Over
GL: Wha
Me: Extreme make. Over
GL: Take that guy out too
Him: It’s been 20 minutes! I know what you’re doing in there! Stop it!
Me: *in shower* No! I’ve waited all day!
Him: Don’t do it! Get out!
Me: *touching my face* You can’t stop me!
My favorite yoga pose is downward facing in a bowl of mashed potatoes
After years of experiments, I have concluded that lighting a stranger’s cigarette is the only time you can flirt with someone by setting fire to one of their possessions.
Is “asking for a friend” just a way people can nonchalantly ask a question while making it seem like someone else asked? Asking for a friend
Morgan Freeman is in so many movies, I bet he just wanders onto film sets and says,”I’m in this now.”
And another thing. People just want to eat a banana without ridicule. They need the potassium. What do you people have against potassium?
A shark, a crocodile and a giant spider walk into a bar.
There’s no punchline. It’s just a typical night in Australia.
good cop: you do not have to talk to us
bad cop: [running away from a spider] i need backup
If there’s a civil war just a heads up I’m going after all the Herbalife and Shakeology people first
I’m not saying four kids is too many, I’m just saying it would be kind of cool if I could melt them all down to form one kid, that’s all.
INTERVIEWER: And you know how to operate a forklift?
ME: Yah, that’s how I eat pal
Imagine being a witch and you’re all excited because you just brewed up a wicked potion but then you realize now you gotta clean out that cauldron and it’s too big for the dishwasher ugh
You never forget the first 800 people you sacrifice to Satan.
This woman is my idol. Free her.
For a movie called IT, there were suprisingly few computers in it
The only acceptable C word for describing women is Confident.
Cunts love it when you call them that.
Okay, I’m still confused…
#Itssocoldthat..A streaker froze in mid-streak! The town council just stuck a plaque on him and pretended he was a Greek statue until spring
Bros, I have a code-red bro alrert. My wife tried the lawn mower and now she knows it’s fun af. She wants to trade chores! Help me!
history: itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself.
He wanted to role play, then got all mad when I acted like a prohibitionist and banned sex.
my girlfriend and i are having a big fight bc i think the toys from Toy Story are immortal and she thinks they can die