I adopt cats because I can’t have any of my own.
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*talking to a baby*
Me: Can you say ‘dog’
Baby: *patronizingly* Can you say ‘Worcestershire’
My son said that he was bored so I told him he could vacuum, dust or clean the kitchen & Oh! Look at that!
He’s nowhere to be found.
I’m never asking anyone out on a date again
If Ella Fitzgerald married Darth Vader then she would be known as Ella Vader…….
imagine a dolphin. now imagine a small dog. folks there is plenty more where that came from
I can’t feel my face when I’m with you, but I love it.
Doctor: This is your third Botox appointment. That wasn’t even funny the first time.
6: I’m hungry
Me: Well it’s almost dinner time so no snacks right now
6: If it’s almost dinner why aren’t you in the kitchen?
Husband: Oh no
50 might be the new 40, but the hundred dollar bill is now the new twenty.
pharmacy child-safety bottles have gone so far that i just have to swallow the bottle whole and hope my stomach knows what to do
My electric kettle got broken so I had to make tea using my acoustic kettle.
[getting ready for church]
Me: If you don’t hurry up and get dressed, we’re leaving you behind.
6-year-old: Okay.
Me: If you don’t hurry up, you have to go to church twice.
6: *gets dressed in record time*
My 7 month old loves when we read books to her but she loves eating the books even more
WIFE: This summer I’m banning you from wearing those shorts with pockets.
ME: *barely audible* embargo pants
HER: Get out
I feel a deep connection to librarians because I also love telling people to shut up.
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So, if you get pregnant in Vegas, does the baby have to stay there?
[beside lady with baby]
Her: Smells like someone went poop poop! Does the baby need a change?
Me: *blushing* Yes ma’am.
I hope I don’t ever have to provide an alibi because I’ll tell the truth but it will sound unbelievable, like: “At 4pm on Thursday? Oh that’s when I was posting a photo of an armadillo.”
I may be middle-aged but I still have the student loan debt of a much younger man.
Flex on the Average Person by eating 9 Spiders a Year
Me *taking long drag on cigarette: “Kids, funerals aren’t really for the dead you know. They’re for the living”
*2 weeks later
[In church]
Priest: “We are gathered here today to…”Me *furiously banging on coffin lid: “This is not what I meant!“
A welcome mat is a gateway rug.
I forgot the word “marathon” so I called it binge running.
Unfortunately she wasn’t even looking when I was pulling off those sweet moves on the trampoline.
Paula Hawkins: What should I call my book about a girl on a train?
Publicist: Let’s call the guy who named the movie ‘Snakes On A Plane’.
If Pokémon has taught me anything it’s that most of life’s problems can be solved by owning a rat that can electrocute people
Relationships: Because sometimes destroying your life is a two person job.
I’m not an alcoholic. I only go to the liquor store every day because they ask to see my ID & therefore must think I look young & pretty.
Dear Diary,
– I killed a man today. It felt AMAZING.
– Dad’s screwing his assistant.
– My sister’s PREGNANT!
– Stop reading my diary, Mom.