My neighbor’s looking at me like she’s never seen a guy stuck in her doggy door before. And what’s with the screaming? And the golf club?!
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Maybe if you knew Garfield’s parents were murdered on a monday by anti lasagna activists you wouldn’t be so judgmental.
I like to think my essence leaves my body at night, and walks the lonely streets trying to eat custard with chopsticks.
Sometimes music can transport you to a place where you just SHIT THAT WAS MY EXIT BACK THERE.
Child: I learned a joke at school.
Me: [already pulling out of driveway]
[Me, a famous art thief]
Art Garfunkel: Please put me down
I never understood why that family in Poltergeist stayed in the house after all the crazy shit they went through. But then again, here we all are, for some reason still on Twitter.
My retirement plan is to become a cat.
[Chasing a fox on my bike]
ME: How is he reaching the pedals?!
It’s cute when I put everything back where it belongs, and my family thinks I rearranged the house.
Me: “authenticity” is a weird concept with food. Most people would consider pizza to be more Italian than American. But the tomato only came to Italy in the 16th Century from, you guessed it, the Americas
Domino’s guy: please let me go, the app knows where I am
Me: *brings home new puppy*
My dogs: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE?!
The living can’t communicate with the dead, that’s just séance fiction
I’m at doc’s office & they have 3 designated areas: flu like symptoms, stomach virus symptoms, & kids. I don’t want to catch any of the 3.
From a shark’s perspective, Jaws is a lot like Home Alone.
This everything bagel has too much giraffe on it
[work phone rings]
Customer: I realize ur closing but I just have a quick question
“Good, because it’s 4:59 and I-”
Now, it all started back in ’82 when I had my knee replacement surgery
[runs into friends with baby]
Me: OMG WHO’S THIS LITTLE GUY.
Friends:*picks up baby* wanna hold him?
Me:*kneeled next to dog* what?
*at museum*
Date: this place is so cool, what’s your favourite exhibit here?
Me: I like the room with all the fluffy things
Date: the what? Wait do you mean the coat room? Dude they have spaceships and all sorts here
Me: *staring into muddle distance* so much fluffy
[3 years from now]
I can’t believe it’s still 2020.
“Kill Bill” but it’s me hunting down whoever stole my sandwich from the break room fridge.
There is a trend of babies being named after characters in “Frozen”.
“That’s Stupid” says a 24 year old named Ariel.
[Phone Call]
Me: My hair has never been this long before
Her: How does it look?
Me: Picture Jim Halpert in Season 1 of The Office…
Her: Oh well that’s actually kinda cu…
Me: …with a big bald spot on top.
Please hold so I can transfer you to a supervisor and accidentally hang up on you.
When your girlfriend is PMS’ing, cheer her up by showing her that “totally weird” text you got from your ex last night.
Them: We’ve made this idiot proof
Me, an idiot: *Immediately screws it up*
*camping*
Son, “What’s the wifi password?”
Me, “We’re communing with nature, get off your phone.”
Son, “Does communing have two m’s or one?”
cause of death:
autopsy.
I’m voting for whoever my cat thinks I should and my vote counts just as much as yours
me: [holding my cat like a baby] the apocalypse is here
cat: [scratches me]
me: no. we must remain calm
white cavewoman naming her child “oog” but it’s spelled “eauxgh”