Sorry if you feel foolish, but that’s how sarcasm works… Einstein.
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Me: He’s starting to stir!
Wife: Shhhh.
Me: OH MY GOD…
Wife: Be quiet.
Me: HE’S GOT A KNIFE!
Wife: I hate watching cooking shows with you.
If you are reading this then you are reading this
[Science Meeting, 1924]
Why don’t we tell the people that every snowflake is unique? It’s not like they’ll ever really check
“Let’s do it”
And the Lord said in the presence of a loading zone
Me, reading some of your tweets
Friend “Listen to this. I had wine delivered the other night and I ended up having sex with the delivery guy”
Me “There’s WINE delivery?”
interviewer: what’s your biggest strength?
me: flattery
interviewer: uh ok and your biggest weakness?
me: that smile
interviewer: 😳
Me: ‘Can I offer you something to drink?’
Waiter: ‘I’m sorry?’
Me: ‘I know, it’s weird right? Now you try.’
We have friends coming from the Netherlands. My 8yo kept asking if their kids have grown. We couldn’t understand why she was fixated on this.
Neverland. She thought they were from Neverland.
Batman: *puts on glasses* Hey do I still look like Bruce Wayne?
Superman: Um obviously.
Batman: Think about that for a second.
Am I romantic?
I do the rose petal thing but I use potato salad.
So, I don’t know.
You tell me.
People say having no friends as a child is bad but if I did have friends back then I would never have invented the frisbeerang.
Me: why is there a graham cracker in my makeup bag?
4: oh, it’s probably mine.
Me: probably?
Potatoes were such a good idea
If you watch The Matrix backwards, a young man slowly comes down from a wild acid trip before returning to his low-level tech job.
Finding love on twitter is like pulling a diamond ring out of a septic tank but nothing is impossible
*captain over the PA*:
and if you look out your window to the left, you’ll see Jerry, who is no longer my best friend, and deserves this.
Me: Did you use the elevator?
Friend: I took the stairs.
Random Dad: DID YOU PUT THEM BACK?
Operator: “9-1-1 please hold…”
Me: “Ok. Hey, stop stabbing me for a second.”
Murderer: “K.”
Okay me first
Kids: Yay! We have a 4 day weekend!
Me: *drinks wine straight from bottle*
Fun way to make someone question everything: comment “you are so brave” on all their selfies.
Bake cookies and the house smells good for 20 minutes.
Bake fish and 4 months later the house still smells like an episode of Deadliest Catch.
Explaining email to a time traveler: It’s like a mail but I get it on my device. For example *pointing at American Red Cross email* this person asks me for some of my blood, every day.
I’ll get a 5-mile queue at my coffin but it will be all collection agencies making sure I’m really dead.
Could I save more lives with telekinesis or with a family of friendly dinosaurs?
When did folks start naming kids old fashioned trades like, “Hunter” and “Porter” and “Archer” and “Blacksmith” and “Prostitute?”
Me: You don’t have to tell me twice.
Narrator: 38 times. You have to tell her 38 times.
HR: “You’ve put Kurt Russell down as an emergency contact.”
Me: “Yeah, I’d like to meet him before I die. Dude is a legend.”
Announcer: In one corner, her will to live. In the other corner, her sanity. Let’s get ready to crumblllllllle