If you give me another chance, I just know I can make things worse.
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Doctor: I need to draw some blood
Me *hands him a red crayon* haha
Doctor *stabs it in my arm* haha
HR: Did you eat all the mints that were in my jar?
me: No [some mints fall out of my mouth]
HR:
me: Yes [more mints fall out of my mouth]
Hi, I’m Angie.
You may remember me from such instances as: Where did all the vodka go? Is ur friend ok? Or: Who’s responsible for this girl?
“Open face” is both a good type of sandwich and also how you eat them
They got a point!
I have 1 calorie left for the day on MyFitnessPal app. I think I’ll eat this fruit fly that’s been annoying me.
Let’s not buy them two of all the same toys we said.
It’ll teach them to share, we said.
We are idiots.
fedex guy: here’s your package
me: thanks
fedex guy: sign please
me: [blushing] Pisces
Them: Listen to your body more.
Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.
[at hairstylist]
Make me look like I’m running really fast.
After my kid listened to that song on repeat for 3 hours, I’m pretty sure the fox said I should take a xanax.
I can bend a spoon with just my mind and some hard ice cream.
Why hasn’t anyone stopped him?
The faster the ponytail bounces the more purposeful the woman walking
When your bucket of KFC starts talking about the afterlife, that is some deep fried chicken.
Last night after 6 pegs though I felt confident to drive I acted responsibly and called an Uber.
But before I could board my wife came running and took me back home.
Me: “Listen, whatever they’ve offered you to kill me, I’ll double it.”
Them: “All they offered was the experience and exposure.”
Me: “…oh no. The influencer mafia.”
Gave this artichoke the heimlich maneuver and now he’s artiokay.
Forget hobbies and and interests, dating apps should require people to share their Amazon order histories.
Toe: He just banged me into his dresser. Should I give him the most intense surge of pain he’ll ever experience?
Brain: Wait 2 seconds.
I’m home alone for the first time in 45 years and I’m only 39
WEIGHT LOSS TIP: Put your chips into a bowl instead of eating out of the bag. That way, you’ll get lots of exercise going back to the kitchen to fill up the bowl 10 times as you eat the entire bag.
Watching JAWS and really identifying with the shark
Wonder Woman: we need more warriors, have you sent in the reinforcements yet?
Amazon Customer Service: …what
Fun Fact – The faster you walk around the office the more important you are
[climbing inside trojan horse]
general: NO, THE WOODEN ONE!
*in a fight with Humpty Dumpty*
“You don’t scare me, I eat eggs like you for breakfast”
What’s this sorcery? 😂
I was pretty sure you were the wrong kind of crazy. Then you used “luckfully” in a tweet and removed all doubt.
[fancy restaurant]
me: this has a fine oaky taste
sommelier: sir is eating the cork