Nurse: You need to eat or you can’t have your pain meds.
Me: Do the thing.
Nurse:
Me:
Nurse: *holding fork*
[sigh]*makes airplane noise*
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Angry Birds for Olympics: Instead of hitting two birds with one stone, here you can hit two stones with one bird.
Him: I hate that you ask so many questions.
Me: why? What do you mean?
How long can a guy stare at you at the urinal before things get creepy…because it’s been two minutes and this dude refuses to make eye contact with me.
I still think my biggest regret is asking a girl out, and replying “me too” after she told me she had a boyfriend
Diarrhea is too hard to spell so I call it crapplesauce
According to my DNA results, I’m 99% high af.
I like the murder hornets. So sick of all the negativity.
find these 10 emoji for no good reason
[screaming from my front porch] You teens get off my lawn and register to vote!
you are so beautiful without makeup.
-my husband, after he saw i spent $62 on an eyeshadow.
I drank half a bottle of NyQuil and tried to call Audrey Hepburn on my microwave
gf: you should learn from your mistakes
me: ok! so teach me
MTV canceled Teen Mom, so it’s like they had those babies for nothing.
The lady at the passport office just said to the man in line: The Walgreens down the street takes great pictures.
I said: I, too, am incredibly photogenic.
I’ve never protested anything before but dude when I found out that pigs have like 300 nipples bruh, I was mad as hell. I made a sign for my yard about it, you know, and I stopped eating pigs milk man I didn’t touch pigs milk for maybe a month.
Some people are legally blind. What happens to the illegally blind?
I would’ve been here sooner, but I was holding the door for a Canadian that insisted I go first.
Ancient cryptic thrice-translated self-contradictory texts are the best way to convey moral precepts.
date: I’m really into dark humor
me, turning off the lights:
wanna hear a joke
Snacking on regular m&m’s and peanuts because I refuse to have my chocolate to peanut ratio dictated by some big corporation
Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.
I’m wondering how far I can go with this guy on Hinge who seemingly has no idea we went on multiple dates last year. The sex definitely won’t ring any bells but meeting my brother again might.
#GettingOldMeans if I drop a pen on the ground it stays on the ground. Bending down is a young man’s game.
ME: OMG I CAN’T BREATHE I ATE WAY TOO MUCH CALL A DOCTOR
HER: do you want dessert?
ME: ok, but just a small slice.
Taurus: Resist temptation in all its forms, but especially in the form of a pie sitting under a crate propped up by a stick with a string tied to it.
If it wasn’t for “only one cashier open and it’s a cute guy in his twenties and I am buying a cart full of tampons” luck, I wouldn’t have any luck at all
“A mean dog is terrorizing people a few towns over. I am going to drive over there & yell at him from my car.” – Barack Obama
Nobody knows how much work I put into looking only this fat.
Luke: You could hide anywhere in the galaxy and you picked a swamp?
Yoda: Afford anything nicer, I couldn’t. Shitty credit, I have.
My son had a meltdown because his sister accidentally stepped on his piece of popcorn shaped “perfectly like an octopus” and he was saving it for “his collection.” I don’t know about this collection. I don’t want to know about this collection.