I answer with an automatic “Yes” each time my mom says “Oh, have I told you…?” I could miss out on something good but chances are slim.
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(1st day in heaven)
Angel: STOP ASKING EVERYBODY WHAT THEY DIED OF
Neanderthal: *flirting* you know what they say, once you go Neanderthal you never go back at all
Scientist: why do they say that?
Neanderthal: because I smashed your time machine
Teacher in online class: Note this down fast.
Everyone:
9am: *starts diet*
2pm: *injects KFC gravy intravenously*
[sign outside butcher shop: POLISH SAUSAGES – ASK US]
ME: Yes, I’m here about the sausage polishing job?
aliens probably fly past earth and lock their doors
Sent my ex a card that said, “Get better soon.”
He’s not ill, just really crap in bed.
I’ve walked all over this Hobby Lobby and still haven’t found the craft beers.
Delivering eulogy at o’possum’s funeral: Before I start I’d like to give Jeff a few more minutes to come around.
-I’ve got a phobia of coincidences.
-Me too!
*faints*
*faints*
Professor X: What’s your power?
Me: I can turn ice into cats.
Professor X: That’s ridiculous.
Police: [busting in] You’re all under arrest!
Me: I got this!
Polecats: Sonofa…
Date: I like a guy who’s environmentally aware
Me, pointing outside: that’s a cloud
*Quietly opens a bag of chips during a job interview
I don’t care if you have a date you can’t borrow the good porcupine.
My bathroom mirror after a long party weekend: girl, those vitamins can’t help you now
When my son was 3 he had a Guinea pig named rufus. One day he left the cage open & rufus disappeared. I bought a replacement rufus, never told my son & things were going fine until the original rufus showed up and I had to pretend he was rufus’s cousin, roger from philly.
It’s when I saw the children playing with their toys completely wrong that I knew I had to step in
My wife got this cool remote start thing that starts the car when cold, turns up the heat, fills it with gas
It’s me, I’m the remote start.
Really, Beyonce? You’re a multi-millionaire, and you expect people to believe you use £4.99 Loreal makeup?
when ur mom took the xbox away because you got a D- on ur report card and you went to your room, slammed the door, and turned this song up to full volume on the radioshack speakers so the whole family knew you were gonna be full of angst for the next several days
I wish I could just drop my body off at the gym and pick it up when it’s ready.
Occasionally, the universe will send a sniffly stranger to stand too close to you in the store and inexplicably follow you through a couple aisles. Just for funsies
If you’re wondering if humans are idiots we hunt ducks with guns when they will walk right up to you if you have bread
Raising Twins
Twin 1: *looking at an old photo album* Is this me?
Me: I literally have no idea.
The fastest way to get your kids to shut up is to ask them a question you want answered.
“It’s not what it looks like,” I say to the bunny noticing my slippers.
put my dad’s hat on a snowman and it immediately left to get cigarettes
Tiger Woods? Do u mean the jungle?
Everyone’s “the nicest guy in the world” until the police are in the backyard digging up 17 bodies.
On average I spend about 25 minutes at Walmart …. and another 2 hours in the parking lot looking for my car.