“Who Wants To Be a Millionaire?” would be a better show if the only contestants were billionaires.
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Why do we always hurt the ones who eat the tator tots I was saving in the freezer?
*Rubs a Sausage Egg McMuffin on my wrists and behind my ears*
‘Sup
Daughter steals my iPad so I left Google open on “too many kids” & “making it look accidental.” Found my iPad but haven’t seen her all day.
“Yeahhhh, that’s the good stuff. Look at that color. Mmmmm, flavor off the charts. You can just serve this raw but I like to add a bit of salt” – guy on The Food Network boiling water
Boy, are you a destination wedding? Cuz I can’t come.
10 just said the 6 words every parent dreads hearing:
‘I need to practice my recorder’
Art: Stop it.
Life: *mockingly* Stopp iiit.
The world: ok so we are all doing metric and it’s going to work perfectly.
USA: …
World: right?
USA: …
World: RIGHT?
USA: *whispers* I’m really into feet you guys
God: you’re a pack animal.
Wolf: what does that mean?
God: it means you live with other wolves.
Wolf: like all the time?
God: yep!
Wolf: d-do I have to?
God:
Wolf:
God:
Wolf: [slides $20 across table].
God: [pockets money] you’re a lone wolf.
Wolf: yay : )
When the nurse calls you to come get your kid 30 minutes after you drop her off at school, is about as Monday as it gets.
The world needs to chill out. There’s no way history teachers can cram all this bs into a semester
[watching Harry Potter in bed]
Harry: please leave
Prepare your kids for social media by putting their artwork on the fridge and writing a bunch of mean comments under it.
If my dad asks, there’s definitely NOT a karate tournament in our house tomorrow at 3.07pm *wink*
I got arrested for punching a mime and the judge sentenced me to six months of community theater
I’m exhausted from imagining a clean house all day.
My online boyfriend loves me so much that once I put my money in his PayPal account he is coming to visit me.
You know who else doesn’t leave another man’s girlfriend alone?
Mosquitos
Hey boy, are you a software update because not now
teacher: we found drugs in your son’s school bag
me: oh wow ok
teacher: it’s worrying
me: very *rubbing chin* he should’ve sold them all by now
My fly was down the entire day & I didn’t notice. So I’m taking him out for drinks after work. Hopefully that’ll help cheer him up a bit.
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
I heard that #TheDress debate has already destroyed 18 relationships. These people probably shouldn’t be breeding anyway.
Spice up your confession by changing ‘Father’ to ‘Daddy’
My electric kettle got broken so I had to make tea using my acoustic kettle.
[inventing the saxophone] what if you could use a bong to play jazz
I’m not saying they’re stupid, but certain people I know would use a broom on a fire extinguisher after reading “sweep side to side”
I’m not the prettiest girl, or the smartest, I don’t have a perfect body, and this started out as a tweet but is now my suicide note.
My marriage counselor suggested that I forget about the past. So I forgot that I got married and now I’m happy.
That guy is a genius.
Employment is basically an arranged marriage with your coworkers.