Priest: tell me your confessions
Me: I said the f word twice this week
Priest: [70% sure I stole his meatball sub from the church fridge] anything else
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The internet is magic sometimes.
“Hello?”
“Hi it’s me”
“Oh hi me”
What they’re actually saying is “I can’t even [finish this sentence due to the complexities of being a white girl on the existential level]”
The racist dove
Married a racist hen
And together they started
A coo clucks clan
Son: I want a LEGO Millennium Falcon for Christmas
Me: *checking price online* would you settle for the actual Millennium Falcon?
I like that they snuck the word “strum” right in the middle of “instrument”
With all due respect, your kid sneezed on me first.
If someone asks for advice, just tell em to follow their heart. No idea what that shit means but at least they’re not talking to you anymore
“Like a good neighbor, State Farm is there,” we chant. Another agent appears inside the pentagram and screams. The dark lord feasts tonight.
HER: Whisper in my ear
ME: [softly] We’re cursed chimpanzees stranded on a giant rock orbiting a treacherous star
I’m gaining weight for my role as “‘Before’ picture”
[To Police Sketch Artist]
Me: “Black female…
5’3ish…
Brunette…
Curvy but not fat. Athletic, I guess…
Good sense of humor…
No kids — no divorcees either. Umm.. Must like dogs?…”Sketch Artist:…
Me: “Why have you stopped drawing?”
Steven: I love you
Stephen: I lophe you too
HUSBAND: Why are you late?
ME: I was at church.
HUSBAND: I find that hard to believe. Did they have a breakfast buffet or something?
*gets period*
“So that’s why I’ve been in a mood for the last 24 days.”
Yeah avengers endgame was good but I found out my boyfriend is a movie clapper so at what cost
Don’t take me camping because if I see a bear, I will hug that bear.
I imagine Hell is just a place where you watch a montage of people’s hands you’ve shook that didn’t wash them after they used the bathroom.
Tax return hit so you know what that means… Yeah, I got egg money now.
Alexa, make out with the Roomba
SPIDER-MAN: hold it right there, Chameleon
CHAMELEON: how’d u know it was me??
SM: ur disguised as Peter Parker
C: so?
SM: *starts sweating*
Me: That guy is a bad apple.
6-year-old: He’s a person.
Me: I just meant he’s mean.
6: Probably because you called him an apple.
Me: I hit the ejector seat and sent her through the roof by accident
Cop: you’re under arrest. I’m taking you to jail
Me: let’s take my car
Don’t make me angry. You wouldn’t like me when I’m angry. Yes I remain sweet & quiet but on the inside I’m composing a strongly worded email
i dont care if people dislike me, but if a pet ignores me, i will hit them up nonstop & keep changing my look drastically until they love me
Can’t, waiting for the DIY instructions on how to make ventilators from cauliflower.
celebrating pi day by not knowing when to stop
It’s nice when my kitchen smells extra clean cause I used an entire bottle of Clorox to kill one ant.
Can’t find my belt so I’ll just need to get fatter.
Tiger: *after killing several zoo animals* forget what you saw here…or you’re next
Gazelle: ok
Monkey: ok
Zebra: ok
Elephant: oh no