Yes I can speak a foreign language if you count when I talk about the 80s in front of my nephews.
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“Hey handsome. Why not come over to my place and eat the fried breadcrumbs I’m covered in?” she said, croquettishly.
The security camera at work has “too many instances” of me acting like a dinosaur on film. And “any amount” is “too many.” According to HR.
Me 🙂
My brain: there are dudes in prison who manage to find girlfriends on the outside, but you can’t get someone to text you back
Me 🙁
Apparently it’s inappropriate to yell out “Shots, shots, shots, shots” while your child’s getting immunizations at the pediatrician’s office.
[job interview]
“What’s your biggest weakness?”
I make poor decisions
“Can you explain?”
Sure, but let’s do some shots first
[yelling to bartender in crowded nightclub] WHAT KIND OF CAPRI SUN FLAVORS DO YOU HAVE?
My current size is ‘I ate two maple bacon donuts yesterday and had to zip my jeans with pliers today’
@KrangTNelson @funTweeters I am not a millennial, I am straight out the the 70’s and I make up new words to suite myself. Like you don’t get a spoonful of mashed potatoes you get a thwack of mashed potatoes because that is the sound it makes when they hit your plate thwack.
Cat that has never been so insulted in all nine of its lives of the day.
This strange woman won’t stop talking to me so I’m going to stare at her eyebrows until she gets paranoid and leaves me alone.
Apparently if you perm a yak’s hair and spin it around a bunch of times it’s good for your libido…
…It’s a well known afro dizzy yak
I can see the appeal of golf, the only sport where the winner is the one who does the least.
My fortune cookie just says Hahahaha. Is that good?
Dating Couple, finishing each other’s sentences: We’re so perfect for each other
Married Couple, finishing each other’s sentences: WILL YOU LET ME FINISH??!!
the hardest part of your wife going into labor is everyone interrupts the movie by asking questions
For fun I like to stir up facebook by just posting, “The funeral will be this Friday”
So this guy tells me he likes the way my name is spelled..
Me~
Thanks I gotta say
I had absolutely nothing to do with it.. LoL
Seriously you guys, the only reason to check Facebook, is to find out where people are going, and then go somewhere else.
[at restaurant]
Me: “I’m so hungry I could eat a horse”Wife: “I’m the same”
Horse family at next table: *just sitting very still*
I don’t really argue with people. They just all end up washing ashore miles away under mysterious circumstances.
I’ve had a few people tell me I should start an OF but honestly, you could just peel a potato at home and get the same outcome.
I’ve got moves like Jagger, too…
…so far all it’s gotten me is unnecessary medical attention.
If you name a baby “Steve” you get to spend all day, like, “Yo, my man Steve shit himself and threw a potato at the cat.”
OUCH I HAVE A FOOT CRAMP
You’re dehydrated
[Walks on toes]
Drink some water
[Crawls on knees]
Drink water
[Lays on floor]
Water-
[Dies]
Just remembered this meme I made back in May of 2020.
I was disappointed he didn’t mean the UK when he said he’d take me to pound town.
Why?
How I answer every text when my friends with little kids ask me what I’m doing tonight
Related – I never babysit
Costume idea:
Dress up like milkshake, wait in the yard.
chugging a woman’s entire drink at the bar and then saying “you’re safe. there is nothing in your drink”