Um, my eyes are up here.
-giraffes
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Just a reminder that when Shakespeare was quarantined because of the plague, he wrote King Lear.
Me: I want a labrador but pet shops are so expensive
Her: Have you tried dog pounds?
Me: Yeah, but apparently it’s ‘not a real currency’
Overheard in 2nd grade class today:
“Do your work! Santa’s watching right now.”
“Yeah, my mom told me that ship has sailed for me long ago.”
I wish the Antiques Roadshow guy had just told me how much my swords were worth without getting all nosy about where the blood came from.
Kids’ clothes really need clearer labels stating when they are made of “scratchy stuff” or the printed size is “not true” or they are “too purple.”
[marriage counseling]
prince eric: i just feel like the communication is lacking
ariel [frantically gesturing at legs and mouth]: Mm hm HM hm hm MM
[watching scary part of movie]
10YR OLD: don’t worry, Dad… I’ll just delete my brain file that’s recording this part before I go to bed
ME: [trying not to appear visibly freaked out] cool
My dad never missed an opportunity to work during a family vacation. I never understood why until I had kids.
“kill them with kindness” wrong. crow attack
🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛
Caught an epiisode of “American Ninja Warrior” and I’m thinking if I put my mind to it and train really hard I could be in that studio audience.
One of life’s great pleasures is to watch two idiots agree on something and then hear one of them say “Great minds think alike”.
Pretty certain I can more drunk
If you’re wondering why it seems like there are so many birthdays these past few weeks it’s because we are the result of parents who have sex once a year on Valentines Day
Help is a magic word.
Say it to people & watch them disappearing from the horizon of your life.
Husband: Stop introducing me as your first husband.
M: I’m gonna go relax
H: ok I’m gonna clean out a closet and come ask you questions until you offer to help
Her: you take nice selfies
Me: so I’m vain
Her: no you’re photogenic
Me: oh so I’m ugly in real life
Her: just say thanks
Me: oh so I’m rude
*eats pizza out of box in bed
*falls asleep
*wakes up next to leftover pizza
Voila! Breakfast in bed!
[first day as a scientist]
*accidentally finishes science*
Mom 1: My son’s gonna be a pro baseball player
Mom 2: Mines gonna be a doctor
Me: My son shows strong signs of being able to escape prison
It’s not the destination that matters. It’s the snacks you eat on the way.
I just sighed so loud that my neighbor texted me, “What’s wrong?”
Husband: What kind of toothpaste should I get?
Me: Sensitive, strengthening, whitening, tartar control, plaque removing, deep clean, breath freshening, complete protection, with baking soda.
Husband: So get the blue stuff?
Me: Yes.
If you pack an acid-laced brownie in your lunch, you can quickly identify the employee who’s stealing all the food from the fridge.
I’m not fat. I’m famine proof.
I always wink at the local Funeral Director, because he will be the last one to see me naked, and I don’t want it to be awkward.
My daughter asked me what it’s like to have kids so I interrupted her every 11 seconds until she cried.
[about to have sex]
me: fasten your seatbelt
her: oooh you’re good huh
me: no this is a race car bed