GOD: I gave you my son.
MAN: You mean your only son?
GOD (thinking about his other son who dropped out of a visual & performing arts program to travel and find himself): Yes.
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Some of you are like family to me. I don’t want you calling me either.
everyone on the saturday night live thing pronounced it sarynyelive
A funny thing to do when someone’s dog barks at you is say, “I don’t speak dog,” and then when they leave the room, speak dog fluently.
OF COURSE I’m not on my first box of Christmas Tree Cakes! ARE YOU NUTS?!… I’m on my second.
today. for the first time in a long time. i checked on the skittle under the fridge. i’m happy to report it’s still there. minding its business. doing the best it can. we should all strive for such an existence
To bye at an auction you should bid adieu
If twitter ends I guess I’ll just mail my tweets to Reader’s Digest like I used to.
The bad news is my toddler dumped my husband’s large water bottle all over the couch and himself. The good news is now he’s had his bath
Mary Poppins: 🎶A spoonful of sugar makes the medicine go down🎶
Death Row inmate: how did you get in here
ME (pulling wishbone): I won
WIFE: what’d u wish for?
M: uh world peace
W: Nice
*human-sized bacon strip walks into kitchen* Hey, what’s up?
ALIEN:*points at Chihuahua* whats that?
ME: a dog
ALIEN:*points at Husky* whats that?
ME: dog
ALIEN:*getting angry, points at Pug* whats THA
The main difference between kids and dogs is that kids grow out of following you to the bathroom
Hello darkness, my old friend. It’s time to eat all the carbs again
Bear boss: I need to see you two in my office right away.
*I see my coworker is nervous*
Me: Relax, how bad can it be.
Salmon: Shut. Up.
I don’t know who needs to hear this but you’re not a savage, you’re an idiot.
[First day as a psychic]
Me: I’m sensing a lot of disappointment.
Wife: Shut up and turn the light off. I have work in the morning
I hate Valentine’s Day but I do enjoy infant archery.
why he move like a hotel transylvania character
Actually, I thought 50 Shades Of Grey was about Taco Bell meat.
When you’ve simply given up.
[showing baby to friends]
“Aw, he looks like his dad!”
Wife [trying to hold back tears]: they say there’s nothing they can do
Level of drunkenness: fed the ATM pizza.
In an attempt to build some exercise into my daily routine, I’ve put the biscuits on a higher shelf. Boy, I’m gonna be sore tomorrow.
Don’t believe that bullshit.
Failure is ALWAYS an option.
My biggest fears are:
-running out of chocolate
-running out of coffee
-running out of toilet paper
-running
[shows up 2 hours late for interview]
Sorry I was trying to get out of a beanbag chair.
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of relaxing during weeknights we can go to seven practices and relearn algebra.
Then they came for the bins, and I did not speak out, because I was not a bin man, and they were, and that was their job.