Me: If I had a nickel for every time a guy interrupted me, I’d-
Some guy: Be rich?
Me: -put them in a sock and hit you with it
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Ladies, if he:
– doesn’t introduce you to his parents
– never calls you back
– has four feet
– smells like potato chips
– could easily be mistaken for a loaf of breadthat’s my pug, you’re dating my pug
We can put a man on the moon, but we can’t think of a less terrifying way to can biscuits
my kid wanted me to play but i was tired so i told her to make a friend so she drew a face on a balloon and named him green greevy and now i have to get him snacks too and thats how i got played by a four year old
My relationship advice?
Play Chess instead.
It’s less complicated.
Jesus has returned! He’s in my DMs asking for Amazon gift cards and has terrible grammar. But it’s TOTALLY him.
You legally aren’t married until someone says, “haha but seriously” in their wedding speech.
My greatest joy in life is when a friend reads a book I recommend.
My greatest frustration in life is when they don’t read it fast enough
Look… don’t end your presentation with “Are there any questions?” & then get all pissy when I ask if you can ride a unicycle.
7: *walks into the house, holding $20 in one hand & keys in the other
Me: What kind of sales pitch did you use on your PaPa to get that?
7: I need $20 and your car keys.
My 5-year-old loves pickles so much that I have to cut her off like she’s some drunk dude at a bar, “you’ve had enough, buddy.”
*Rolls window down*
Cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: is it because I’m literally running down the street pretending to be a car?
The words “casual” and “casualty” have nothing to do with each other, and that’s why I don’t trust the English language
Dear Diary, someone’s sent me a podcast recommendation again.
A penguin suit mysteriously arrives at work. No label. No explanation. You try it on, just for fun. When you turn to show your colleagues, you realise they’re all dressed as leopard seals. You flee.
Not enough arguments are settled with a dance off.
I cannot call her anything else now
My wife: hey I’m gonna go get a Brazilian
Me: you can just buy them?
Give me a few strong men, and I’ll build a nation. Give me a few hot women, and I’ll conquer the world.
greys anatomy is so unrealistic. there is no way you can have sex in a place that smells like a hospital
[first date]
me: they know me here
date: *reading sign on wall* “No Puppetry”?
me (proudly): I’m the reason they have that
I just heard a lady sitting at the table next to me say, “My burger is confusing.”
That’s it. I’m done with people.
Tiger: *after killing several zoo animals* forget what you saw here…or you’re next
Gazelle: ok
Monkey: ok
Zebra: ok
Elephant: oh no
For Halloween I’m just going to put these on and lay down under a house.
Oh no, my favorite furniture store is going out of business again still.
My neighbor shouldn’t put up a fake graveyard for Halloween if she doesn’t want me getting drunk and performing Thriller every night at 2AM.
If Kim delivered food is she a Doordashian?
I want to open a Vietnamese restaurant called PhoNomNomNomenal ™️
Doctor: “You have acute appendicitis.”
Me: *blushing* “Oh you. I bet you say that to all your patients.”
GOD: Done.
ANGEL: What is it?
GOD: An ostrich.
ANGEL: So it can fly, right?
GOD: This one’s a runnin’ bird.
ANGEL: I think you need a break dude
Here’s a poem in the shape of a Christmas tree. It’s called ‘Needles’.