Okay everybody it’s Zero Hour for this website, post your favorite tweets and give them a little kiss goodbye.
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After a funeral I try to join the family for the lunch, the hardest part is waiting at the cemetery in the mornings to find a nice family.
Thanks for posting another selfie. I completely forgot what you looked like 24 hours ago.
[movie theater]
Her: *Hands me popcorn bag* Can you put this down?
Me: *grabs bag* You stupid, overpriced, salty piece of shit!
Judging by the state of my toddler every day when I pick her up, her preschool has an “all children wearing sunscreen must be rolled in sand” policy
Just settled a divorce over visitation of a parrot. Neither may teach it negative phrases about the other. I went to law school for this.
Falling in love is like diving into a tin of marshmallows, then hitting your head on the bottom.
I just learned that in the US you have to pay money to cross a bridge in your car lol like you can’t convince me that America is real.
IKEA is fine if you don’t mind assembling furniture in 18 steps and realizing you made a mistake in step 3.
I was going to buy my wife a car for Christmas but then I remembered I don’t live in a commercial.
Bad News: One of the side effects of your medication is death.
Good News: Death pretty much cures anything.
“That’s me in a nutshell.”
A peanut’s photo album.
Bugs Bunny turns 75 today. Now when he says “What’s up, Doc?” he’s legitimately concerned.
Just ate a Pop-Tart off of a real plate like some kind of goddamn oil magnate
I broke a tooth eating a carrot. I’ve never broken a tooth while eating a donut.
Showed my 5yo some videos of mimes and explained mimes never speak and now we’re playing mimes don’t ruin this for us.
There’s a serial killer in our house! Normal people: “CALL THE POLICE, LETS GET OUT OF HERE!” – In movies: “Lets go find him” -___-
Waiter: Can I see your ID?
Me: I used to duct tape my discman so the AA batteries didn’t fly out.
Waiter: What would you like to drink?
My documentary ‘I Have Stolen All Your Chairs’ just received a 90 minute standing ovation at Cannes
I see Paris, I see France, I got a great new pair of binoculars from an overpriced sporting goods store today
Blessed is the one who can fall asleep before the snoring partner
I know we’re not supposed to say this, but our second black president looks just like our first black president to me.
How do you cut ancient Rome in half?
With a pair of Caesars
The scariest thing about the terrorists is how fast they can do the monkey bars in their training camp videos.
Dropped a peanut butter cracker and no one came running so of course my first thought was that the dogs had been raptured.
Me: I’m way tougher than you.
Wife: I gave birth twice without an epidural.
Me: So?
Wife: You called in sick for an ice cream headache.
Those who ignore history are doomed to repeat it…
…anyway, my son is taking history again this fall.
You bought a boat this month? Well I bought an ambulance ride, so who’s the big spender now?
I have an oven with a ‘stop time’ button. It’s probably meant to be ‘stop timer’ but I don’t touch it, just in case.
I won’t tell anyone if I win the lottery,
but there will be signs…
Surprise your partner in bed by dying in your sleep