[First Date]
Me: “I’m afraid I don’t trust myself around you”
Her (flirtatiously): “Oh, stop it”
Me: “I bought a laptop on your credit card while you were in the bathroom.”
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If you’re moving to a new house for a “fresh start,” congratulations your new house is haunted.
who said “fortune favors the prepared” instead of “ready player won”?
I was cleaning one of my finger guns and accidentally blew a hole through my air guitar.
Here you go, Merry Christmas!
“Dad, why’d you wrap our gifts in soft fabric?”
Because I wanted to make-
Mom: NO DON’T
My presents felt
HER: I still think you made up that word just so you could win at Scrabble
ME: that’s ridictacular
Cars these days have so many sensors and rear cameras you gotta work extra hard to run someone over
I bet when kittens go to work in kitten offices that there’s always one kitten whose cubicle is decorated with pictures of lonely old ladies
[tasting wine]
ah yes, good nose, medium bodied & saucy, racy acidity, robust tannins, hint of dark currant, but vodka still exists so literally none of this matters
When you’re married, every kiss begins with, “Have you brushed your teeth yet?”
COWORKER: Wanna come to my NYE party?!
ME: Aww… I would, but I already have plans.
MORGAN FREEMAN: He did not have plans.
Him: If they ask you any questions, just play stupid. You know nothing….
Me: Oh, I think I can handle that.
list of casinos I need to burn down in order to prevent my credit score from going to the dogs: ceaser palace, trump cube, chuck e cheese,
According to my kid, cops won’t give you a speeding ticket if you tell them you’re in a race because then they’ll understand you’re supposed to go fast
Your odds are greater of being killed by a coconut rather than a shark and this is exactly why I don’t swim in coconut-infested waters.
Throwing it back to 3 weeks ago today, when I came home for lunch…and I’m still here.
my kindergarten teacher taught me to always put glitter in cards when i mail them. in case you’re wondering why i’m so diabolical
Good morning to everyone except my son who asked why I haven’t had a real boyfriend in years.
The three things Im grateful for:
1. Family
2. Friends
3. Caller ID to avoid family and friends.
*picks up frog*
*kisses it*
Frog: you know I’m poisonous, right?
Me: oh thank god.
Some of my best friends started out as bad choices.
Assert dominance by throwing your poop at a monkey first.
Roses are red
Vodka is clear
Shit got wild last night
I should stick to beer
Welcome to Insults Я Us, you sack of crap. Buy some stuff if you’re not too cheap. Maybe eat out of a garbage can. You’d probably like that
[someone is nice to me]
*checks if wallet’s still in my pocket*
When I saw Oprah interview Michelle Obama, Oprah asked how Michelle got over feeling intimidated sitting at big tables filled with smart, powerful men and Michelle said, “You realize pretty quickly that a lot of them aren’t that smart.” I think about that quote every single day.
Getting money from “the Tooth Fairy” is a gateway drug to organ trafficking.
I want a rich person to hire me to float around in their pool and feed me bread I want to be a wealthy person’s duck
Post-it Note stuck to desk: Stop wasting Post-it Notes!
Him at 1am: Wanna come over?
Me: Sure thing, sexy
-Cut to me crawling out of his TV like that girl in The Ring
Her: sobbing, smashing Doritos and cupcakes into her mouth*
Him: how was your day, babe?