Diet starts today.
I need to lose about 3 years.
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Why is it always cooking on Saturday Kitchen? Why don’t they mop the floor or stick a wash on, or something?
HYPNOTIST: YOU ARE FEELING SLEEPY
ME: kinda safe bet there
HYPNOTIST: YOU WILL DANCE LIKE AN OCTOPUS
ME: again, still no surprises.
it’s date night again and the other dried fruits are miffed
WIFE: Do we have any orange juice?
ME: I don’t think so
WIFE: Well do we have any orange juice concentrate?
ME: I AM CONCENTRATING!
Boy, are you a salad?
Because I don’t want you.
Teacher: Why are you late?
Boy: My fish died.
Teacher: What fish?
Boy: You don’t know him he goes to different school.
There’s no gangsta way to get out of a hammock.
Why is my daughter asking me to play jenga like I didn’t give her a brother and sister for that exact reason?
The only thing between me & a killing spree is the fact that I’d have to poop in front of people in prison.
Jehovah’s Witnesses door-to-door success rate would be a lot higher if they partnered up with the Girl Scouts & started selling cookies …
Magician: *pulls a rabbit out of a hat and makes doves appear from a handkerchief*
Zookeeper: And the penguin in your backpack. Hand it over.
I’m not saying it’s been a while, but, the last time a girl got down on her knees for me, she showed me how to tie my shoelaces.
How Animals React To Smoke
DEER: Bounds away.
MOLE: Retreats to deep tunnel.
BEES, WHO LIVE IN A HOME MADE OF ACTUAL CANDLE WAX: Naptime!
If you yell mosquito you can slap anyone in the face
Him: You look angry.
Me: *lowering the flame thrower*
Do I?
*Geography Bee*
Judge: “Tell me about Yemen.”
Me: “Chandler said he was moving there when he couldn’t breakup with Janice on Friends.”
yo LA chill out with your restaurant names
*whispers to old lady at Starbucks*
one time they ran out of coffee here and we ate a baby
*giraffe getting his daily coffee*
G: usual grande mocha man
Barista: gee that’s a…
G: *sigh*
B:…tall order
G: Christ, every goddam day Phil
[At crime scene]
Detective: You need to take this seriously
Me: I am
*picks up leg bone*
Me: I found this humerus. Lol.
D: You’re fired.
“what if your employer sees how embarrassing you are on twitter” sir my employer sees first-hand how embarrassing i am every day
[raises arms to stretch, a cardinal swoops in and lays an egg]
I guess it’s time to shave for summer.
If you’re worried that you added too much cheese to the recipe I am here to reassure you that you did not
[first day as a spelling bee judge]
Me: your word is Sarcasm
Him: can you use it in a sentence please?
Me: no, I’m a spelling bee judge but can’t use a word in a sentence
I’m a postman, and when I’m delivering a package which is obviously drugs, I just keep the drugs for myself, what are they going to do? Complain that the postman stole their drugs?
My favourite part of the Bible is when the little guy finally throws his ring into the volcano.
The birds that suddenly appear every time I’m near are circling vultures.
If a cougar left her teeth next to my bed in a glass of water was that a tip? Do I have to change the water? Do I feed them like goldfish?
I deduct 5% gratuity for every extra spoon my Cheesecake Factory server puts on my plate, “In case I feel like sharing.”