My 6yo told me that I’m the best mom he’s ever had, and I was like wait… how many moms have you had? What happened to them? Are they ok? Please don’t feed me to the tigers.
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DRY CLEANER: …are these
ME: yes, Taco Bell hot sauce stains
DRY CLEANER: but it’s an…
ME: yes, I realize it’s an ascot
If you see a kid who’s physically unusual somehow, be sure to mention it to the parents. Odds are, they’ve never noticed and will thank you.
*seductively wipes mashed potatoes from my eyebrow*
The kid hasn’t pooped in 3 days.
Do I just squeeze him from the other end like a tube of toothpaste?
News: Gas shortage
Me: Haha
News: Chic-fil-a sauce shortage
Me: NO
if you mesopotamia, you better cleanupotamia
Having survived numerous mysterious strangers attempting to kill him as a child, Hitler swore revenge on a cruel world.
Doctor: Do you drink alcohol?
Me: Why? What’ve you got?
You can’t offend me I have teenagers.
This strange woman won’t stop talking to me so I’m going to stare at her eyebrows until she gets paranoid and leaves me alone.
A Clinton is running for POTUS, a Jurassic Park movie dominated the summer box office, and they found a knife on OJ’s property. It’s 1994.
Q: Why did Snape stand in the middle of the road? A: So you’ll never know which side he’s on.
HOW TO DIAGNOSE ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION:
1) It’s not very hard
Me: Where can I get a good steak?
Her: Butcher?
Me: *deeper voice* Where can I get a good steak?
Doctor: so your blood type is-
Vampire: ALL of them
Two Ways Sharks Can Die:
1. if they stop swimming
2. if they start swimming (into my fists)
There is a mile long line of cars stopped ahead, but go ahead and honk at the guy in front of you. It might help.
My dad asked Alexa to turn on the lights and she started singing “Old MacDonald” instead
This makes the third woman in the house who won’t listen to him
Boss: Can I have a quick word?
Me: Rapid
Boss:
if your boyfriend insists he rolls everywhere because it’s ‘faster than walking’, my friend, you may be dating a gamer.
Was standing in my front yard last night and some neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
Maybe the Loch Ness Monster is really just giraffes that don’t want people to know they like to swim
YOU DON’T KNOW
I want that job where I push scared skydivers out of planes.
Onion rings.
What sounds do other vegetables make?
and on the 6th day god created coffee so thee would not commit murder or some shit like that. amen.
No, I’m not wearing lipgloss, I’ve just been eating salami.
Liam Neeson is going to find that hour we lost.
4-year-old: What does God smell like?
Me:
4-year-old:
Me: Nachos.
4-year-old: With cheese?
WAITRESS: Would you like to try a quesadilla?
ME: I can barely eat one dilla, let alone a whole case.
*Me coming home with a Bloodied nose*
Wife: OMG, Are you OK?
Me: I’m fine, You should see the other Guy!
Wife: I agree, He’s taller and better looking.
Me: Wait, What??