Everyone’s a genius until faced with an alien coffee maker
You Might Also Like
I will never forget the LA based company that wanted me to drug test for a social media management position. Like do you guys even know what makes the internet good
Found my missing cardigan when my sister posted a FB pic of her wearing it.
.@cocacola i tried to give a coke bottle to a polar bear. he did not accept. also he took my son. i need my son back
[museum]
Wheres the dinosaur bone exhibit?
“through that door”
Thank you very ruff!
“What’d you say?”
*2 dogs fall out of trench coat & run*
my uber driver watching me wander around the street aimlessly because i have no idea what a toyota crayola is
Down on yourself for being lazy? Keep in mind the Greeks believed their GODS lived atop a very hikeable mountain and no one went to check.
Whoever called it Thor 2 and not Keeping Up With The Asgardians is an idiot.
In the bathroom stall and written on the bottom of the door, ” Beware of Limbo Dancers” I wanted to star it and re-stall it one door over.
Some of you make me glad your pics aren’t scratch and sniff.
If you ever see a movie where a woman is depressed and she has shaved legs that movie is bullshit.
“I think therefore I am”
–Yoda pointing at a photo of himself when he was four
For a cat named Jingles, his tambourine accompaniment to my blistering bongo solo isn’t that impressive.
Me: Do you like children?
Him: Yes, I love them.
Me: Good, because I become a huge child when I drink.
Me: When I asked you to get into the Christmas spirit, I didn’t mean for you to become Scrooge!
Teen: rolls eyes
For someone, somewhere, today is the last day they will have 10 fingers.
“Boo!” — cow with a cold
Congrats to my tween for graduating at the top of his class from eye roll university.
Teens don’t know how good they have it with lyrics sites. We used to have to sing shit wrong for years until the truth destroyed us.
Hubs: You wouldn’t believe the day I had at work!
Me: (wiping my kid’s piss off the floor and carpet for the 4,000th time today)
Hubs: Never mind
Me: Smart move
took my mom to detective pikachu she said she liked the “garlic pokemon”
Admit it, no one really knows how to use the memory function on a calculator. We’re all just too embarrassed to ask now.
So maybe downloading the ruler app to measure the snow wasn’t such a great idea
Dear everyone,
I’ve seen all of your tweets this year.
You’re all getting dictionaries for Christmas.Sincerely,
Santa Claus.
Me: Hi—
Her: I have a boyfriend
Me: —and would you like fries with that?
*prints out my most successful tweets and mails them to my ex-girlfriends*
A financial advisor from my bank called to various savings options as if she doesn’t have access to my account information.
pretending to have read books in a conversation: setting yourself up for embarrassment, corny, ontologically evil?
saying “oh yeah never read it but i’ve heard really good things”: yo who is this mysterious woman who hears things? her informational ecosystem seems lowkey robust?
Gave this artichoke the heimlich maneuver and now he’s artiokay.
ME: I wish all of my enemies would randomly feel a crunch when they’re eating something definitely not crunchy
SATAN: holy shit
My Fitbit isn’t accurate when I hold my kid’s hand or push a cart, so I put it on my ankle to get that sexy house arrest look