[watching a true crime show and the cops are questioning a suspect]
My Son: Where’s his lawyer?
Me: The idiot didn’t ask for one.
My Son: *heavy sigh*
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Lawyers out there, if I see any of my Tweets being used on Comedy Central can I sue….. Oh you don’t think that will ever be an issue, okay
[Spelling bee]
Dad Judge: your word is “arson”
Contestant: can you use it in a sentence?
Dad Judge: You’re not arson, you’re adopted.
Jerk chicken is just regular chicken that didn’t let it’s daughter go to prom
My wife is leaving for a cruise today and the only thing that she left me was a list of shows I’m not allowed to watch yet.
Me: In my day we all had to watch the same thing, at the same time, on the same screen
My kids: NOOOOO!!!
The hardest part about Halloween dinner is the buttering of the candy corn.
I once had a boyfriend cheat on me with my best friend but that pales in comparison to the betrayal I feel when an Amazon ‘Get it by tomorrow’ order arrives two days late
cop: if i were you i wouldn’t leave town
me: but if you were, what bus would you take
[Jesus as a Doordash driver]
[Eats your fish and chips]
[Delivers double your original order]
Doctor said I got this skin rash from an unusually high intake of cream & chocolate. Said it’s the worst case of Cadbury Eggsama he’s seen.
Growing up, our family had this really lovely old German Shepherd, I’ll never forget being in floods of tears the day that mum and dad had to sit us down and tell us that he was being tried for war crimes.
Not many people knew that Albert Einstein had a brother that was an evil scientist that experimented with cadavers.
His name was Frank
Judge: Call your next witness
Prosecutor: The state calls Shakira’s hips
Judge: *whispering to bailiff* You don’t have to swear this one in
The label on the pack of the supplements I just bought says “Keep in a dark place”, so I stored it in my memories.
My girlfriend just explained to me that people can’t actually go through black holes, and now I don’t really care about space anymore.
Quarantine, day 14. Me and my boyfriend spent the whole day setting up an art gallery for our gerbil.
Women never understand the importance of cords. We NEED to keep all these cords, just in case! What if we run out of cords!
A pizza bagel is two foods that were just fine on their own but got sat on in a lunch bag.
Serial killers have ruined my opinion of people with three names. Sorry Carly Rae Jepsen your music is great but I dont trust you
guy who invented the wheel: one day everyone’s going to remember my name
Gov. Jan Brewer: “I’ll look into the botched execution, but I’m sure he didn’t suffer because I asked him after and he didn’t say anything.”
[Wheel]
_’D L_K_ TO SOL__ TH_ P_ZZL_
I’d like to solve the puzzle, Pat
Go ahead
I’d like to solve the puzzle
Yes, go ahead
No, I’d like to..
[on Mars]
ASTRONAUT: An alien!
MISSION CONTROL: Ok, so
A: I choke slammed it
MC: What?
A: Another one!
MC: DO NOT CH
A: [choke slam noises]
[my first day as a psychologist]
patient: i’ve been hearing voices
me: okay so your ears work, now what’s wrong with that brainayours
And that, Romeo, is why we usually try to take a pulse first.
Found a potato way under my kid’s bed and I’m not even surprised, just relieved it’s not that old of a potato
“Your beard really brings out your jawline” isn’t an appropriate compliment to put in her Valentine’s Day card, apparently!
(Job Interview)
Interviewer: So, tell me about yourself.
Me: I’m unemployed.
I: How about something personal?
Me: Personally I need a job.
you know when you see people you were friends with as a teen and you’re like “wow they got really old” and then you’re like oh no
God inventing dogs like “what if your best friend sometimes pooped in your living room and ate your shoes?”