I get more excited seeing my luggage on a baggage carousel than I do seeing a person I know.
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i have feelings for you. frustration mostly, but still
Netflix: Continue watching?
Me: *can’t find tv remote*
Narrator: she was laying on the tv remote, but she never found it because she was too lazy to get up
The state of my house can best be described as ‘there seems to have been a struggle
I will never fall victim to Groupthink. I have perfectly unique opinions that no one else has, and they are the dumbest bullshit you’ve ever heard
Magician: Is this your card?!
Me: Yes! *turns to children and whispers* Go out to my truck and get my shotgun and rock salt. Daddy found himself a demon.
breaking: earthling wins 70th consecutive miss universe title
VOTERS: we want to give a boat a ridiculous name
UK: no
VOTERS: we want to break up the EU and trash the world economy
UK: fine
Who called it raising pigs for meat and not Mama, just killed a ham?
Kids these days can’t do shit without #Google. When I was a kid I didn’t have Google. So, I pretty much couldn’t do shit.
*trimming the tree
Tree: K, but I wanna keep the length.
DATING TIP: Don’t reply to texts right away or you might look desperate. Just wait. Give it 5, 10, maybe even 15 years. Keep things casual.
Why, woefully unprepared happens to be my middle name
Cats don’t tell police where your drugs are.
My husband makes coffee for me every morning even when we’re fighting. Consider this evidence if I ever die by poison.
I wish they sold off-brand cars.
I’d get me a Joop
*1st date*
[be cool, just dont let her know youre a 1st generation PS3]
so where do y-
*internal cooling fan drowns out entire conversation*
I’ve had so much cough medicine and this has me in tears
If you know, you know 😂🚔
Can’t figure out why my allergies are so bad. I changed my med regimen, listened to my doctor’s advice, took my extra meds, bathed, rubbed my face on each of my four cats…
Whenever my kid comes to me whining about something I always tell them daddy knows just how to help.
Stop telling everyone I’m posting from earth. People don’t need to know where I live.
I slept with the lights on last night because I missed the light switch with all 8 of the Nerf Darts I shot while lying in bed.
The twins brought in significantly less candy than I purchased. Running Halloween at a deficit is simply not acceptable.
Text to Hubs:
If it’s not too much trouble can you get me a bottle of wine and a fuzzy blanket?Hubs:
You’re literally sitting next to me.
Drama Llama is what they dubbed me in college. Not because of my theatrics, I earned the name by spitting.
doctors: we recommend 7-9 hours of sleep every day
also doctors: time to work my third 24-hour shift this week
Critical people b like: I’m not critical, I can just see faults better.
I just saw an article titled “Can We build a Real Jurassic Park?”
DID YOU FORGET WHAT HAPPENED IN THE MOVIE?!
you could’ve given me a million hints plus unlimited time and i would’ve never landed on “dua lipa and trevor noah are dating”
The good news is I’m pretty much who I say I am.
The bad news is I’m pretty much who I say I am.