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Me: *rubbing bread on a dog*
Friend: When I said pet with the grain
sick of fancy drinks with simple syrup. if you are gonna charge me $15, i want complicated syrup. this mojito better frame me for murder
If you’re ever interviewed after my murder, please, for the love of god, don’t say “she had a smile that lit up the room.” Tell the truth: we always knew she’d get on the wrong side of a sniper or we were worried about that dangerous model train group she got mixed up with.
Colleague: want some popcorn? Keeps you young and beautiful like me
Me: Really? Looks to me you should’ve been eating a hell of a lot more
Walking my dog in his Halloween outfit and a woman walking the other way asked, “Is that a costume?”
I guess I never realized how realistic his shark costume is.
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My Life Alert bracelet says: “don’t let them get away with this”
Started watching that Godzilla King Kong movie and the first lines of dialogue are basically a scientist saying “Well Godzilla and King Kong are definitely going to have to fight each other, as you know they have an ancient rivalry”
Look me in the eye and tell me you love me…
No, not the glass one.
I can tell she’s pissed, the floors look amazing.
Ref: Call it in the air..
*flips coin*
Me: A QUARTER.
Still laughing at this stupid meme
beyond meat implies the existence of bed meat and bath meat
BARBER: what’ll it be
ME: can u make me feel extremeley self-conscious for 45 minutes
BARBER: u got it
If Russia prepares for war the way it prepares for the Olympics then we have nothing to worry about.
Me: What did you do at school today?
4yo: Nothing
M: You must have done something.
4: I don’t remember.
[Bedtime]
M: Goodnight.
4: Wait.
*Spends the next two hours telling me about his day in excruciating detail followed by a philisophical Q&A session*
I do so love when I’m not on twit for a few hours and when I come back there’s something that everyone’s alluding to and I get to slowly piece together what happened like I’m reading the log on an abandoned ship
Unexpected Judgment
[cashier training, day 1]
“Be sure to comment on everything a customer buys. They love that.”
Werent we promised soylent green by now?
April showers? Big whoop, so do I.
Me: *mouths I love you*
Him:
M: *blows kiss*
H:
M: *adjusts my pajama top*
H: *empties the can & hops onto the side of the garbage truck*
My doctor told me to avoid unnecessary stress, so I stopped going to doctors.
One day I’m gonna go to work without my glasses and they’re gonna be like, “Who’s that hottie?” and I’m gonna be like, “WHO IS SAYING THAT?”
This year I’m the Invisible Man for Halloween, according to this bartender that apparently hasn’t seen me standing here for an hour
[speed dating]
Her: I’m a little bit country.
Me: I’m a little bit ready for the next person.
Thanks for saying ‘on your mobile’ in your bio, for a moment I thought you might be tweeting like me, from a calculator in the psych ward
The poorest man can be rich if he gets a bunch of money.
You know it’s a BBQ type holiday weekend when there are a thousand people in the spice aisle at the grocery store just staring at the spices
If you tweet about orthopedic shoes enough, you don’t even need to write “No DMs” in your bio.