Assistant: Uh sir? Your personalized jean jacket is very cool but it looks like the store screwed up. It says STAN on the back.
Satan: WHAT
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As I walked through the valley of the shadow of death, I pooped my pants a little bit. Not gonna lie.
Facetious. Because I like to use all vowels, in order.
The lady helping my wife design a dining room table handed me a note reading “blink if you’re being held against your will”
I never had the birds and the bees talk growing up…I just had Chris Isaak’s Wicked Game music video with Helena Christensen and I was like yes please
Diet tip: If you think you’re hungry, you might just be thirsty. Have a bottle of wine first and then see how you feel.
TOASTER OVEN: Do you really need another Hot Pocket?
ME: You shut your mouth
TO: If I shut my mouth will you stop putting Hot Pockets in it
Obama: Please don’t talk to me until I’ve had my morning cup of Joe.
Joe: no please no more.
Obama: shut up Joe. *takes a sip of Joe*
ME: I really love motorsport.
DATE: Do you like F1?
ME: I like all the function keys.
In the car and passed by a cop and my 12 year old says “everyone be cool! Act normal!”
Expecting that Father of the Year award any day now
The lion king: 🎶it’s the circle of life!
The lyin king: so yeah he just fell off that cliff
In the name of “Hell Kitty”, an army of children wages a bloody and unholy war.
“It was just a typo,” sobs Glenn, ex-Tshirt factory worker.
Before Google, people had to go out in the alley and yell “WHAT’S THE NAME OF THE MONKEY FROM ALADDIN?” until they got some answers.
Normal Bar: Hey bud we can’t let you in here with that pocket knife
Renaissance Faire: Here’s 32oz of meade and a bow & arrow go crazy
I shit you not I just had this convo on the plane…
Stewardess – Are you a comedian?
Me – Yes
Her – I thought so. I recognized you from the website, “comedian.”
“I’m taking a social media break.”
– People who will be back in 7 minutes.
“I want to put a baby in you,” I whisper to the microwave over the sound of the infant crying next door.
Love when people make a point and then bust out the “ever think of that?!” Like no. Almost certainly not. I have 8 thoughts a day and 5 of them are about sandwiches
Kinda bullshit that there wasn’t a giant, aggressive shrimp character in Finding Nemo named Genghis Prawn.
Me: It’s just really upsetting that people just assume my dialogue tweets are just jokes and didn’t really happen, you know?
The Pope: Yeah I feel that dude
Gordon Ramsey: tell me what you’ve made here
Me: *placing my hand on his* an everlasting friendship
All I need to know about you is defined by whether you ask for a cup or a cone when ordering ice cream
If she ever says: What did you just say!? I recommend an immediate heart attack and let the paramedics carry you out of the room.
Me: Where’s Ken?
3-year-old daughter: He broke up with Barbie. Then a T. rex ate him.
I pity any boy who ever dates my little girl.
According to the amount of bacon I just cooked. I’m 4 people.
Who called it a Spanish teacher instead of an instruction Manuel?
*large male nurse rolls chair all the way across room, coming to a stop with his forehead pressed against yours*
SO YOUR CHART SAYS ANXIETY?
*person walks past me minding his business and not bothering me in any way*
“What’s this idiot doing?”
A woman at my gym has a jellyfish tattoo on her arm.
So I peed on her
Been trying to pair my new phone with the Bluetooth in the car and I think it’s easier to get pandas to mate.
The average person eats 8 spiders a year
*eating 2nd bowl of spiders*
“WHO’S AVERAGE NOW DAD?”