If Jesus was from Nazareth, why does he have a Mexican name?
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Me: *delivers fantastic presentation*
Fish Boss: great work!
Me: thanks for letting MINNOW what you think!
Fish Boss: you’re fired.
Me: Guys, enough with the trash talk. Who called this meeting?
7 raccoons on Zoom:
Dear Milk of Magnesia manufacturers:
Please add : ‘Don’t trust a fart’ to your side effects label.
kthanksbye
Snuck a peak at my therapist’s notepad after telling her about my childhood, and it was just dollar signs.
There are no atheists in parking lots where you’ve dropped your phone face down on the asphalt.
[BAR]
Me: What do you recommend?
Barkeep: Moscow Mule, Mojito, Old Fashi-
M: [Puts finger to his lips] which tastes the most like Capri-sun?
Boss: Have I made myself clear?
Me: No, I can still see you.
Boss: Shakes head.
YouTube is a dangerous place for kids. There’s a lot of filthy stuff they could stumble upon like videos on how to make slime
[buying treadmill]
Me: Can I try it out first?
Salesperson: Sure
Me: (pulls out laundry basket and hangs wet clothes on it) I like it.
I’ve been experimenting with breeding racing deer.
People have accused me of just trying to make a fast buck.
I thought she was the one. Then she put her entire email message in the subject line.
Son: Facebook is for old people.
Me: That’s not true, pretty much everyone I know is on i- …oh…
The Notebook (2004) A stranger harasses a nursing home resident with stories about people she doesn’t know (PG-13 2hr 3min)
Drilling a hole is boring, but fastening pieces of metal can be riveting.
My kids never finish their dinner because they’re saving room for bath water.
At the donut store this morning I point to a photo on the wall and ask “is this a Mapplethorpe print?” The guy asks me how I can recognize art like that. I tell him “I’m an art nerd.” He says “well I’m a donut nerd so I have no idea.”
Her: I chose you for your brains
Me: aww
Her: in case I ever become a zombie
Dracula is actually one of the funniest books of all time. Jonathan Harkness shows up at Dracula’s castle, Dracula’s like “hey could you write like five letters to your fiance in advance that say you’re fine” and Jonathan is like “weird, but yes absolutely”
flight attendant: this man is dying! is there a doctor on board?!
her: i’m a doctor
my mom: [to me] that could’ve been you
me: ma, being an IT professional is a perfectly fine caree-
my mom: i’m not talking about the doctor
I think I could be a pretty good boxer as long as the other guy isn’t allowed to hit me.
Can u imagine getting married and having a family and staying in love until u die, then waiting in the afterlife for your wife to join you and she finally dies and ditches u for a dude she knew for three days on a boat instead?? Anyway I’d give Titanic a 9/10
Anyone else’s spouse dislike their pet name? My “wife for now” hates hers
me: that’s my wife susan
him: please pass the salt, ma’am
me: idk she’s pretty lazy
her: [rotates entire table]
me: but strong
*Struts like a peacock*
I’ll have you know I made it through the meeting without falling asleep
Cw – it was 10 minutes long!
Me – my record, Write it down mister party pooper
I constantly lose my phone so it’s really up to you if you want to play ‘shes ignoring me or her phone is in the fridge’
“After seeing the way these common processed foods are made, you’ll never want to eat them again!”
I ate grass when I was little because I thought I was a horse. I guarantee you my care of what goes into my body is much lower than you give me credit for.
Don’t let the cargo shorts and flip flops fool you…I’m not the sex symbol you may think I am.
heavy rain in Los Angeles is a great way to find out that every roof in the city has apparently been purely decorative this entire time
9yo: My least favorite letter is “c” because it’s not fair that it can be an “s” or “k” sound.
Me:
9yo:
Me: Can I go back to sleep now?
Writing advice: Write well, not badly. Keep writing until the book is finished. After you’re finished, get the book published. Sell a lot of copies, not just a few.