*at confessional
Priest: ‘Wait. Didn’t I forgive you for that last week?’
Me: ‘Please don’t make this any harder than it has to be.’
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I’m not buying a coffee table until I finish walking around the furniture store barefoot kicking legs to see which hurts the least.
I left my kids with a list of things for them to do today because apparently I like to be optimistic & disappointed at the same time.
Me: Ready to brush your hair?
2-year-old: No!
Me: Why not?
2: I’m a fish!
Me:
2:
Me:
2:
Me: You win this round.
i swear to god if the house of commons does not stop fighting i will turn this car around
Batman: Use this spotlight to call me.
Robin: What if it’s daytime?
Batman: *glares at Robin*
Gordon: Yeah, what if it-
Batman: *smoke bomb*
I enjoy long walks away from the scene of the crime.
i’m taking care of a guys owl next week and he just sent me this list of rules. what the hell
My teens hanging with me at 7pm:
19yo: I need to email my professor!
15yo: That’s late for an old person.
19yo: He answered me back!
15yo: Wow! You sure he’s as old as Mom?
Me: Hey!
19yo: No–
Me: Thank you!
19yo: Definitely not as old as Mom!
Me: HEY!
When I was in college our house got robbed. My roommate took the cops to my room and they said wow they trashed this room and she said no that’s just how she lives. I think about that sometimes.
where there’s a-weem there’s a-weh
All I’m saying is no one ever country westerns you like a hurricane.
Pretty sure my dog would make a shitty astronaut because space is a vacuum and those tend to scare him
So what I ate my salad with a spoon, lf you give me a second date and i’ll show you how I tackle soup
Me: Well, I lost 9 pounds.
Her: That’s great, hon! Where’s the baby?
Me: Let me repeat…
a lot of people are really funny but they’re not comedians and a lot of comedians are really funny but they’re not people
ME: [grinding pepper onto my food]
IRON MAN: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE
Getting a text from someone when I’m trying to tweet is the emotional equivalent to walking into a spider web.
[noir detective voice] I knew she was a ghost the second she walked through my door
Alanis: I’m ready for this knife fight!
*Pulls out 10000 spoons*
“Oh shit that sounded important,” I exclaim as I vacuum and don’t stop to investigate but keep on vacuuming.
I don’t need a psychic to tell me which planets make me sad. It’s earth.
sure, i could keep my thoughts to myself but i can’t see “likes” in my journal
I drove past the prison and saw a small man climbing down a wall.
I thought, well that’s a little condescending.
Aquaman is part fish, if you want to kill him just overfeed him.
My friends wife threatened to leave him over his Star Wars collectibles and I was like divorce is strong in this one.
Me: I don’t know…this one has a great turning radius but the other one just looks better.
Husband: For God’s sake, just grab the next available shopping cart!
[First date]
Her: Are you literally WEARING a red flag?
Me: Yes, do you like it? Hey! Come back!
[Me as a Sunday school teacher]
…then on the third day Odin went to Valhalla so that warriors who died in battle would have eternal life.
In the Phoenix airport & I just heard a guys laptop say “you’ve got mail”. Pretty sure I’ve landed in 1998.