To err is human
To purr is cat
To grr is dog
To brr is cold
To durr is dumb
To slur is drunk
To occur is when you realise this tweet is going nowhere
You Might Also Like
WIFE: stop quoting Britney Spears songs or I’ll leave you
ME: but I’m a slave 4 u
WIFE: that’s it
ME: (whispers) oops I did it again
December 26th is the sad day where I have to take the Christmas tree behind the garage and shoot it
4yo: Can I have some more Easter candy?
Me: After lunch
4yo: I want lunch right now. I’m starving!!
Me: We just ate breakfast
4yo: Starving!
If I weren’t supposed to bring my cat, the wedding invite would say that, right?
You had ONE job!
– insensitive greetings card for the recently laid-off.
There is absolutely nothing to stop your dentist from putting small tracking devices in your mouth. How would you know. You wouldn’t
I would never raise a hand to my children, but I do occasionally gift them an exploding cigar to evidence displeasure.
The best things in life are free. Unless it’s herpes. Stay away from people who want to give you free herpes.
Me with a pronounced limp: *walks awkwardly
Me with a mispronounced limp: “Blimp.”
How’s your Saturday going?
I’ll go first: my 10 yo came upstairs from his video game haze to tell me the dog peed on the rug again. We don’t have a dog.
gift cards are like i want you to buy what you want but from where i want
Can’t. I’m busy taking this buzzfeed quiz to find out what kind of potato I am.
WIFE: can you put the baby to sleep
ME: *trying to get the baby in a chokehold* his head’s too small it’s not working
I bring giant stuffed animals into carnivals so when I walk around people will think that I am good at something.
[party]
friend: that piñata you picked out looks so lifelike
piñata: *struggles against ropes*
Anyone on Twitter, to me: no way are you 46!
Me: Mate. They’re called filters. My real face looks like it slept on a bad pillow.
[showing off my distressed jeans]
jeans: AHHHHHHHHHHH
No one is more drunk with power than a toddler who has learned to use a cup with no lid or straw
With one taste of my signature black velvet cake you discover that it’s a regular red velvet cake that I left in the oven too long.
Me: Tel the doctor I’m coughing up a lung and need to be seen ASAP.
Medical Clerk: That’s awful, hun. How about a month from Monday.
So when my coupled friends ask me how dating is going, is it appropriate for me to ask how their marriage/relationship is going or is that aggressive?
A solid knife fighting strategy is to move clockwise in increasingly larger circles until you reach a safe running distance.
Marriage is funny. I say potato and my husband says what’s with the credit card bill.
Well, my grandmother will be happy to know that Gypsies are not as much of a threat as she anticipated.
Friend: How’s the wine?
Me: It’s exCHARDONNARY—
Friend: *taking my glass away* No.
Parenting styles often relax as you have more kids. For example my 1st born ate only all-natural, organic food. My 2nd eats broken glass.
Negotiator: I need proof of life.
Kidnapper: *motions phone to me* They want confirmation you’re alive.
Me: *sighs* Does it count if I’m dead inside?
Negotiator: Um, this is really embarrassing, but the family changes their mind. Good luck.
*opens front door to see Christmas carolers singing
Please, I have a family
ME: are those new shoes?
HIM: yeah, but *gets down on one knee* would you…
ME: *tearing up* yes?!?
HIM: tie my shoes for me? mother never taught me how
“No no, remember I told you we don’t do that in our house..”
-Me, breaking up a cat fight.