I don’t know who needs to hear this but you’re not a savage, you’re an idiot.
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Science: I rely on observable data and logic.
Religion: I prefer scripture and faith.
Astrology: I like turtles.
A headline said the economy is showing signs of unexpected vigor so i’ll have what the economy is having please.
When I was a kid, I had to walk uphill both ways in the snow just to change the TV channel.
them: do you promise to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, so help you god?
me: finger quotes sure
I am rubber, you are glue, that guy is ketchup, this is a terrible Halloween party.
[Couples therapy]
WIFE: I hate the way he pronounces “food” like “feud”.
THERAPIST: And you, sir?
ME: She’s always in a bad mude.
Romeo and Juliet is a story about two teenagers who save themselves a lot of trouble by avoiding marriage
[zombie apocalypse]
SURVIVOR: That Chuck E. Cheese looks safe let’s take shelter in it
ME: *banned from all Chuck E. Cheese’s for tongue kissing the animatronic rat* You guys go ahead
Ok Canada, poutine is great, but you should try putting mashed potatoes and gravy on the fries. I’d try it here but we don’t have universal healthcare.
Kids: We’re bored!
Me: Why don’t you go play Uno and then fight when someone loses?
An app that keeps fighting with people on the Internet when you go to pee.
I’m really not sure how many times I’ll search for my phone with the flashlight on my phone before I realize I’m an idiot….
as a teen: secretly drinking in the park with friends.
as an adult: secretly drinking in the park with squirrels.
my kids: how many reese’s pb cups did you eat?
me: *picturing the 7 reese’s cups joining together as a mega-cup in my stomach* ….one
So many idiots speed past my house that when someone is actually going the speed limit I take cover and assume it’s a drive-by.
As my toddlers took me down like a pride of lions, one pinning my shoulders to the floor and one biting my ear, it occurred to me that maybe we should watch less nature channel
[commercial for soup]
NARRATOR: ever wanna drink a sandwich?
I like to keep our shades open at night to scare off any potential thieves with our mess
‘Pizza Hut, can I take your order?’
Me: ‘May I speak with the owl, please?’
‘Who?’
Me: ‘Hahaha, that never gets old! Large pepperoni.’
My wife yelled, “This is the LAST TIME I’m going to tell you to take out the trash”, and I thought, thank goodness THAT is finally over.
My husband left me on read and it’s been 22 minutes.
If he wanted a divorce he could have just asked me like a rational human being.
“Kids are picking on me, Mom”
I’ll teach you how to fight, son.
“Yes!”
[Mom spreads rumors about son and ignores him for 3 days]
One time I did mushrooms and played GTA and felt regret for the lives I was taking I was all “Holy shit these people have families”
Hipsters probly don’t eat carrots since they lose interest in things when there not underground anymore.
If I were a professional soccer player, I would simply pick up the ball. My opponents’ kicks would be useless as I held the ball high above my head. They would beg me to release it but I would not relent. Then, just as time expires, I would throw it into the net, sealing victory.
Pro-Tip: If you’re going to use chlorophorm on someone make sure you don’t inhale it yourself.
I miss the days before security cameras, when everything at the store was free.
Need cheering up? If you watch Jaws backwards, it’s a heartwarming story about a massive shark that gives arms and legs to disabled people.
a fun activity is leaving one-star amazon reviews for handsaws where you really lean into their ineffectiveness at sawing circles around various pies you’ve tried stealing from underneath picnic tables