You never see baby pigeons because pigeons are cloned by the government. Next question.
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Sasquatch: *squinting* Nah, I still don’t believe that’s Kate.
KENNEDY: lets keep our affair a secret
MARILYN MONROE: ok i’ll sing happy birthday all sexy & weird at ur bday
K: pls dont
MM: *winking* ok
Him: Has anyone ever told you that you look like Scarlett Johansson?
Her: No.
Him (detective looking for a Scarlett Johansson impersonator): You’re free to go.
High heels are beautiful and sexy until you wear them for 5 minutes and want to throw them against a wall.
“No thanks, I’m vegan,” is apparently not funny when someone hands you a baby. 🤭
Last Halloween I had to explain to everyone that I was not a ghost with a boner, but I was just a ghost and I happened to have a boner.
I find a hole in one of my socks and think “alright, let’s put it back in the drawer and see if it heals.”
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
SANTA: *sees presents under Christmas tree already* what the? someone beat me to it
[a light glows in the corner]
ALEXA: what’s the matter, old sprite, not in your… prime?
“They tell me you’re the greatest sniper in the world,” says the stranger.
“Maybe,” I say, tossing a can at the bin, missing it by miles.
The Bank of America app randomly disappeared off my phone and now I’m wondering how much money I spent last night.
They say you shouldn’t drive distracted…
that’s why I make my kids run along side the car.
[date]
HER: no more Scooby Doo imitations
ME: ok
WAITER: today’s special is baby octopus
ME: [Shaggy voice] zoinks
HER: I’m done
ME: ruh roh
HARRY POTTER: 🙁
DUMBLEDORE: 🙁
VOLDEMORT: : (
If Twitter is a rave then Facebook is a Tupperware party.
Me: I can’t work today.
Boss: Why?
M: My grandma died.
B: Our grandmas died 20 yrs ago.
M: …
-Why working for your brother is a bad idea.
I’m so hungover. My sweat is pure tequila. A mosquito landed on me and now I think it’s drunk. It’s texting its ex.
My 11-year-old is talking about what she wants her future house to look like and I’m pretty sure she is describing a zoo.
I never drive behind someone with a dream catcher hanging from the rearview mirror.
DO YOU THINK YOU MIGHT FALL ASLEEP AT ANY MOMENT?!?
If I was a zombie I’d be selective about which brains I ate.
Some of you would be empty calories.
[in court]
Judge: You’re the prosecutor?
Prosecutor: Yes.
Judge: So then who is this?
Me: (flips hair) I’m the prosecutest.
I feel like it’s customary to lose a meatball out of your sub when you’re wearing your favorite shirt.
I went to a fortune teller and he told me a lot of money was coming my way.
I walked out really excited, then I got hit by a Securicor van.
If you can’t say anything nice, say something funny.
Genie: I want infinite bananas
Banana Salesman:
Genie: Do u see how annoying that is
[first day as a buddhist] go ahead. name a person more patient than me. i’ll wait.
[Facebook post]
Wife: Decorating with the fam and listening to holiday music #blessed[real life]
Wife: QUIT THROWING THE GODDAMN ORNAMENTS AT YOUR BROTHER
*feels painful possible cavity*
*eats chocolate to feel better*
Getting rid of my cleaning person sounded like a good way to save money, until it came time to do the cleaning.
Me: (slightly intoxicated ) I don’t think our cat understands me at all.
16: Mom, put the guinea pig back in his cage please. You’re scaring him.