I’ve noticed that my parents talk about ‘the good old days’, they always seem to stop at 1979. Which is great, because that’s also the year I was born,wait… What?
You Might Also Like
me: what do we say if a stranger tries to give us candy?
5:
me:
5: we say thank you
The man I married can land a fly on a trout’s snout.
The man I married says it’s not ON the snout, but AHEAD of the snout.
The man I married doesn’t allow imprecise compliments.
My IQ used to be higher than my weight, but now I’m fat and dumb.
I was so tired that I failed a stupid captcha test 3 times in a row yesterday & if that’s not human, I don’t know what is.
She gives you butterflies.
She makes your hands sweat.
She sends chills down your spine.She just gave you her stomach virus.
[at a job fair]
Me: Where’s the ferris wheel?
Humans are made up of 70% water so next time you’re thirsty just eat Jeff from accounting.
Roman 1: you won’t believe how many women I’ve slept with
Roman 2: mmm?
Roman 1: don’t be ridiculous, not that many
Does laundry while drinking
*somehow washes a lampshade
[Watching the news]
This is all wrong, villains are supposed to be fictional characters.
With age comes wisdom. And digestive trouble.
[1st Row at Beyoncé Concert]
Beyoncé: Who run da world?! *points mic at me*
ME: [having briefly heard the song once before] …squirrels?
wife: are you still reading that stupid dorothy and scarecrow wizard of oz fan fiction
me: i’ll have you know 50 shades of hay is a true literary masterpiece
The ice cubes in my parents’ freezer are original.
I would travel a million miles to be with you for 30 minutes.
Unless I had to walk. Then it’s one block max.
“This has got to be the most boring reality show concept of all ti… wait, did they say TORNADO?”
– Me, totally not getting The Weather Channel
Remember kids, the Toys R Us bankruptcy and liquidation teaches us that poor spelling and grammar will always catch up with you eventually.
actually this email could’ve been a meeting. we could’ve spent an hour on the clock talking shit and gossiping. someone could’ve brought bagels
[first day as car salesman]
Customer: electric windows?
Me, taps window: glass
Customer: break horse power?
Me: oh yeah, this will smash a horse to bits
Customer: 4 wheel drive?
Me, quickly counts: yup
Customer: manual?
Me: in the glove box
Straight people are cancelled
Monkeypox is sexually transmitted, making me absolutely immune.
I always cary a clump of my hair in my pocket so when people say, “I like your haircut”, I can respond with, “Thanks. Here, have some.”
“I Still Haven’t Found What I’m Looking For” is my favourite song about opening and closing the fridge 150 times a day
Husband: *leaves to run an errand*
Me: *crosses out “get husband to leave” off to-do list*
If I’m found dead in the bathtub clutching a toaster, check for Pop-Tarts before jumping to conclusions.
I have never in my life learned from another person’s mistakes, I would literally let a giant wooden horse into my house right this second.
If you’re wondering if marriage gets more relaxed the longer it lasts, my parents have been together 36 years and my mother just yelled “WHY DO YOU SPEAK” at my father so I’m guessing the answer is no.
I hate that when something is difficult, people say “it’s no picnic,” as if picnics are just some walk in the park.
If you want to know how old my daughter is it’s “won’t talk on the phone if I’m in the room” years old