My favorite part of Thanksgiving is the pumpkin pie, I bought one of those ginormous ones from Costco and offered everyone else peach pie.
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I don’t need armpits that smell like fruit salad or “sexy intrigue”. I exude that naturally.
The fruit salad smell. Not the sexy intrigue.
Never hate someone for the color of their skin or who they love. Hate them for putting mayo on a hotdog. That person deserves it
age 20: I was in a car accident, my ride is totaled. I won’t be into work until after lunch
age 40: I did something to my back brushing my teeth, I need to lie down for 3 weeks
Whatever, I’ve been in better hostage situations than this
i’ve purchased a pair of men’s shorts and i discovered that not only do they have incredible pockets sometimes there are other secret pockets inside the regular pockets and lord am i furious
I think I’m finally ready to find a boyfriend!
*Looks behind drapes
*Checks under the bed
*Searches back of closetIt’s so hard to meet people these days
Roomba should have a laundry function where it goes around your house picking up clothes off the floors and delivers them to your washing machine.
My autistic son just referred to my pellet grill as an outside oven.
I’m proud of him and incredibly insulted at the same time.
[my wife to everyone at the pool party] pls don’t tell him, he’s never known the truth
[me loudly as I jump off the diving board] CABIN BALL
Who called them nuclear submarines and not fission ships?
We can put a man on the moon, but we can’t think of a less terrifying way to can biscuits
Omg, will you pick ONE name and stick with it ffs
– my dog
‘Chicks dig scars’ I quietly sob after nicking my thumb on a cat food lid
I saved 15 per
cent on my insurance by
switching to haiku.
Story of my life…..
I’d rather be an outlaw than an in-law.
Kid comedians are all like “any of y’all ever had parents? Shew God, let me tell y’all about parents”
A Tale of Two Cities 2: A Tale of Three Cities
gonorrhea would’ve been a good name for a diarrhea medicine.
My wife just apologised to me for the first time in years!!!
Her: I’m sorry but you’re wrong.
NO, YOU GET THE HELL OFF YOUR PROPERTY.
You can’t fix stupid but you can fantasize about slapping the shit out of it.
Find out what flavor of ice cream your kids hate and learn to love it. You will thank me for this later you’re welcome
good cop: you do not have to talk to us
bad cop: [running away from a spider] i need backup
it’s so stupid how stores are already selling halloween candy, like anybody is actually going door-to-door this year,
..today i bought a 5lb bag.
Was your teacher drunk when he made your multiple choice test?
1) Yes
Δ) No
%) I love you guys
M) 8
•) Potato
[Considering whether a recipe is easy enough to attempt]
Recipe: First, finely chop—
Me: I’m out.
[gets pulled over for speeding]
Where’s the fire ma’am?
*grips lighter*
“I’m not sure yet”
Only wearing tennis skirts from now on and frankly disappointed in myself for not thinking of it sooner.
HOT SINGLE MUMS IN YOUR AREA ARE LOOKING FOR YOU!
Oh god I hope it’s not another bake sale