Instead of asking people to watch my laptop at a café, I just leave an open google search for “how to clean a yeast infection off a laptop”. Never been robbed yet. Still v single.
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You’re old you get aroused by commercials about non-slip winter footwear
The lights begin to flicker
The hair stands up on your neck
A chill comes over the roomMe to the ghost: STOP TOUCHING THE THERMOSTAT
me, sober: ugh, i’m never leaving my house again, people are trash.
me, after 3 beers: *on a megaphone* ATTENTION EVERYONE IN MY NEIGHBORHOOD I WOULD LIKE TO PAY YOUR ELECTRICITY BILL THIS MONTH
Some church folks decided to knock on my door today while hosting my book club for a bunch of margarita drinking witches. Oops, wrong house 😆
*Password must be hard to guess*
New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?
me: I’ve finally reached the tipping point
waitress: oh thank god!
“Raising a child is nothing like having a dog,” I say as my child begs to be let outside so he can pee on a tree.
Googles ‘why everyone hates self-made rich geniuses’
My wife said she wanted to do it missionary style, so I forced her to change religions and gave her smallpox.
Day 4 of social distancing.. My husband just challenged my kids to a Tic Tac battle (aka TikTok) .. dear god help us all.
The first stage of a realistic baking show would be each contestant trying to open a jammed utensil drawer.
My 5 year old set up the lemonade stand all by himself and, while I’m proud of him, I doubt he’ll make a lot of sales in the backyard.
Operator: 911, what’s your emergency?
Me: Yeah, so I’ve heard of leaving your kid at the fire station, do they do pickup as well?
Never invite a renegade cop from a 90s action movie over for board game night. They play by their own rules!
Avril Lavigne: He was a boy, she was a girl, can I make it any more obvious?
Homicide detective: I’m gonna need you to try.
What I learned from Titanic was that u need to have sex as soon as possilble with the person u like cause u never know what might happen.
first day in the secret service. all the guys hazed me into kissing the president
Of course I believe in miracles…even though I’m a virgin, somehow my wife has given birth to three beautiful children.
*during sex
Her: This feels weird. Is it a waterbed?
Me: Nope. Way better.
*pulls back sheet to reveal hundreds of meatball subs
Mom I wouldn’t be invited to jump off the bridge
My husband and I are celebrating our “porcelain” anniversary in a few days. Sounds like someone is getting a new toilet this year.
Everything is a pillow. Some things are just better pillows than others
– Are you sure?
-defenet… difini… difine… YES IM SURE!
{Police Job Interview}
Captain: Go out & kill 5 Blacks, 3 Mexicans & a kitten.
Recruit: Why kill a kitten?
Captain: You’re hired.
Mall Cop: The guy from Jersey Shore stole a spray tan kit. He’s running up the escalator.
[static]
MC: THE SITUATION IS ESCALATING RAPIDLY
The 4th little pig built his house into a windmill. The wolf huffed and puffed and generated enough power to last the whole winter.
Cop: Do you have any drugs in the car?
Me: Absolutely not. Trust me, I’ve looked.
[showing my 4yo a Slinky]
me: look, it’s walking down the stairs
kid: what else can it do
me: literally nothing
what idiot called it the sun instead of a space heater?
“IT’S 3AM! TIME FOR SPRINTS!” – Cats