The best thing about money is that if you give it to the right person they’ll hand you donuts.
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(way too loud, trying not to get murdered) Wow, the Boeing corporation’s manufacturing quality is top notch, outclassed only by their generous workplace policies
‘Toddler’ is such a funny term. At no other age do we identity someone by the way they walk. “My slouchy strider got detention today.” “My hunched shuffler keeps forgetting to take his meds.”
My wife sends me home improvement TikToks and says these projects “would be so easy” for me to do so I started sending her the elaborate “simple” cooking ones and now we’ve reached an uncomfortable truce.
[In the beginning, God created the heavens and earth…]
EARTH: yo
GOD: what?
EARTH: send nudes
GOD: *creates Adam & Eve*
EARTH: nice
First date:
Me: Is this it? Are we HAVING THE SEX?!?
Him: that’s a breadstick
I felt bad for the monster so once a week we switch and I sleep under the bed.
Coworker: You smell good. What is that? Armani?
Me: Thanks! It’s Febreze. I just took a dump.
A facial recognition program, but one that matches your Tupperware container to its lid.
Cat that has never been so insulted in all nine of its lives of the day.
[tree falls in forest]
[doesnt make a sound]
GUY IN CAMOUFLAGE: What the—
TREE: oh shit uhh AAHHHH I have fallen and I can’t get up aaahhh
Who’s the idiot that named it a Brazilian and not a Tropical Smoothie?
Amy Winehouse’s final album was “recorded before her death.” Thanks for the clarification.
gonna make a bumper sticker for my car that says “MY KID IS SMARTER THAN YOU’RE KID” just to troll the grammar nazis behind me
People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.
If you think you could never kill a person you just haven’t met the right one
me: i’m late
boss: again?
me: it’s yours
Quit my job a few years ago because my boss was an idiot. Now I’m self-employed. My boss is still an idiot.
When coining nicknames, be sure it reflects how that person has impacted your life. For example, my two sons Buzzkill and Third Mortgage.
feel like Nope sort of put the cgi animals question to bed forever lol. you really want a real life bear on set? for a scene where your lead actress is getting attacked by the bear?
Marriage is funny. I say potato and my husband says what’s with the credit card bill.
I’d rather lose the Super Bowl than have Gatorade poured on me.
Her: Does that dog actually play chess?
Me: He’s not so smart. I beat him 2 games out of 3.
*Dog Barks
Me: Alright, 1 game out of 3.
My arm fell asleep, which is understandable, considering how boring the rest of my body has been.
You can just start calling yourself an olympic hopeful. You don’t have to fill out a form or anything.
Having now listened to the entire song, I have to say there’s some obvious internal disagreement as to what the Hokey Pokey is all about
“Put cheese on it.”
“It’s not-”
“Put cheese on it.”
“Really now, you-”
“Everything gets better with cheese on it.”
“Sir, it’s a BROKEN LEG.”
Cashier: you’re 8 cents short
Me: it’s only 8 cents can you just let it slide
Cashier: no
Me: *slides cashier 20 dollars* what about now
Stop listening to amateur meteorologists on social media! Get your weather predictions from chonky dirt rodents this week like the good Lord intended.
Alcohol is generally the answer. Especially when the question is ‘why can’t I remember what the question is?’
So when two guys get super friendly it’s bromantic, but what about two girls? Can we make homantic a thing? Or ‘gina buddies or something?