Hear me out, a headband that displays your brain activity so I can see when you’re bored of this conversation
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My boss is coming to my grandad’s funeral tomorrow.
He said, after his 3 previous funerals he personally wants to see him go in the ground
Searching for your soulmate could take years. Making a slice of toast takes minutes.
tv: low volume
tv: volume jacked up for 6 seconds
tv: low volume
tv: volume jacked up for 6 seconds
[when I watch tv & eat chips]
HUSBAND: I can’t believe you’re in your 40s. You look so young.
ME: Nice try. You’re not getting the last piece of pizza.
*gets served divorce papers during the reception*
[Dracula bites a pig]
Me: 😮 hampire
angel: “greetings. do not be afraid. you will conceive and bring forth a son”
me: “thank you so much for reaching out! is this a paid opportunity?”
“Is this a date? This feels like a date” -blind guy at a farmers market
If you see me on my balcony practicing my karate, just keep driving…I don’t want you getting pregnant.
me: wanna hang out?
southern girl: well, dip me in honey butter, roll me around in mississippi sand and saddle a junebug to savannah
me:
Robocop: I am Robotcop
Criminal: You don’t say the t you robo moron
R: [visibly confused] Pu down he gun you are under arres
sigh
I got no respect for anyone who has ever uttered the phrase “don’t fill up on bread!’ when they are at a restaurant. Like, buddy I been filling up on bread my whole life, you think I’m going to stop when we are at the place that is giving the shit away for free?!
If you see my account doing wild or out-of-character things, no worries. It’s not me, I routinely rent it out as an Airbnb
Coworker: You’ll never guess what happened to me this weekend!
Me: You’re right. *walks away*
If you call yourself a “cat photographer” and you are not a cat, gtfo
It’s true. Parents that use drugs, have kids that use drugs. So, there’s an important lesson here…
Don’t have kids.
Some of my best friends are shaped like pills.
Man: dog is my best friend
Dog: man is aight I guess
It is I, three potatoes in a trench coat, here to avenge the death of my father, big daddy spud bottom
*lies down on couch*
*turns on TV*
*covers up with blanket*
*adjusts pillows perfectly*
[from other room: “Honey can you come here please?”]
Ate a healthy dinner, so I’m having pringles for dessert.
Sorry dinner took so long! My son wanted to help and he had never used a can opener, so…the tuna casserole took about six hours longer than it should have. But he learned so much in that time.
Bon appetit!
I don’t have to worry about my kids TP’ing houses on Halloween because apparently none of them know where the spare rolls are.
I don’t have a drafts folder. My tweeting style is “blender without the lid on”.
-You were standing in the lobby of The Astor Hotel wearing a blue sweater. It was April 9th. Your first words were, “It’s you.” You had a stain on your left pocket.
-Amanda, where did you park your car just now?
-No clue.
I’m going for a run. I have some severely unused sexual energy and tension I need to pound out.
I should be back in about eight days.
BOSS: It’s come to my attention that you’ve disabled attachments for emails. You have to fix that.
BUDDHA: But attachments cause suffering.
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Living in Switzerland wouldn’t be so bad. The flag is a plus.