After years of intense research, I have come to the conclusion that dryer lint is actually the cremated remains of all my other socks.
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when u get so high u forget u ordered food
INTERVIEWER: you got the job when can you start
ME: this year for sure
Before marriage: Kisses
After marriage: Hisses
I don’t know why people get mad when someone uses their driveway to turn around. You get to feel the rage of someone dropping by unexpectedly followed by the orgasmic relief of them leaving.
Obi-wan: It’s over Anakin! I have the high ground!
Anakin:*Force pushes him out of the way*
Obi-wan: Damn that completely obvious solution
me: i just love traveling!
my basketball coach: that’s what i want to talk to you about
Me: So tired
Brain: IKR!! But wait, who organised the alphabet…
M: Please don’t
B: N how do we know it’s not actually disorganized?
ME: why is my son failing
TEACHER: just because u gave him that name doesnt mean he’ll be intelligent
ME: [gasping] cover ur ears Smartboy
some cats are just doing for fun!
[opening birthday cards]
me: [disappointed] there’s no money in any of these
walmart clerk: put those back
Never understood why people train their dogs to sit pretty or roll over when there are useful tricks like empty the dishwasher or fold the laundry.
Before towels were invented people rubbed themselves against the carpet.
Them: What is your favorite thing to go hiking with?
Me: My car.
just saw a preview of the upcoming commercial for Lady Doritos, yikes
I’m glad nothing I own was made with my own two hands because I really like having hands.
Tom Holland in Spider-Man: Peter Parker
Tom Holland in Uncharted: Peter Parkour
Somebody keeps sending me flowers with all the heads cut off.
I think I’m being stalked…
Me: did you throw these rocks in my pool?
3yr old son: nope. Maybe they fell out of a rock tree.
Me: ok.
I hate ramen noodles.
*Checks bank account balance*
I love ramen noodles!
‘I don’t think I’ve ever been this hungry before’
–Me, every 45 minutes
[on a first date]
Me: sure, I’d love to see your basement
A hippo’s favourite desert is hippopota-mousse.
#MousseDay #RubbishJokes
[first date]
HER: Aww, look at that poor old woman at the table in the corner, sitting all alone.
ME: That’s my mom. She wanted to check you out.
MOM: *shakes head, makes throat-cutting gesture*
ME: Don’t worry. That means she likes you.
It’s actually a little-known fact: Jesus drives a Honda Accord.
please stop saying things like “ur so hot” and “your jokes have both emotional depth and the refreshing originality of a self aware intellectual” and start saying things like “here is ten thousand dollars”
This wine tastes like everyone can go make their own dinner.
Wait is Venmo down too?? Venmo me I’m curious
*wife spends all morning convincing son not to be afraid of the dentist*
“Dad are you coming too?”
Hell no dentists scare the shit out of me
CHRISTMAS FAIL: My son came into my toolshed to say goodnight & saw the box to the radio controlled monster truck Santa got him. I panicked & said I liked his so much I bought myself one and was charging it so we could race in the morning. Now I’m off to Target to buy another one
If it weren’t for the gutter my mind would be homeless.