Man Hoping People Notice How Many Folding Chairs He’s Carrying At Once
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*Uses time machine to constantly go back to bed*
When driving: *shakes fist at pedestrians*
When walking: *shakes fist at motorists*
When running: *shakes fist at the murderer chasing me*
I really want a Popsicle but I’m so not in the mood for Freezer Jenga.
Why hasn’t somebody opened a coffee shop next to a courthouse called ‘On What Grounds?’ Send
call 2 psychiatrists and tell them ur gonna put them on the phone with a guy who thinks he’s a psychiatrist. now put them in the same call.
Saw Top Gun, and I think with the right amount of mustache, I could definitely fly a jet.
Of course I believe in miracles…even though I’m a virgin, somehow my wife has given birth to three beautiful children.
I just took enough Vicodin to kill a medium-sized Chipmunk. RIP Roy. Roy’s the hypothetical Chipmunk. I named him. Has anyone seen my legs??
It’s the freakin’ weekend, baby, I’m about to cancel some plans
I didn’t even know this was an option. Considering it.
Everyone’s got that one neighbor they’d love..
To shoot for mowing his damn grass at 7 AM.
I’m starting to think that the Facebook status update I liked has had absolutely no influence on Government policy at all …
Good vacation so far, aside from the faceless man telling us “You will never leave this island.”
The eclipse was like April fools for birds
I have the dance moves of a dog with mittens on its paws.
COP: Are you armed?
ME: *extremely good at talking myself into a beating* I’m armed and legged.
My daughter woke up at 5, because of crows outside. She stuck her head outside the window and said ‘Mum, the bird witches are calling me’ and to sum up I have my next book and also I need to call a priest
If you like airborne fecal matter you’ll love being alive on earth
“I’m still a virgin”
-theres plenty of fish in the sea
“Ur right. I’ll find someone”
-no, I mean u should give up & be a lonely fisherman
Enter a cafe. Ask to see the menu. Say, Have you got anything a mouse would like? When they say No, whisper into your sleeve & leave.
Dress sloppy at work and people will think you don’t know what you’re doing. Dress too nice and people will think you know what you’re doing. So you see my dilemma.
My kids trying to pick up the name brand hamburger buns like they think we are millionaires or something
“I can’t wait to see what my Happy Meal prize is! Wait…what the -”
[U2 is playing a free concert in the box]
I will never get over the fact that a-hole and b-hole are the exact same thing
Whenever I’m asked if I have any food allergies or intolerances I answer that I should be fine as long as the secret ingredient isn’t love. Nobody has ever once been amused by this. I will never stop.
Does Rapunzel use the shampoo “Head & Shoulders, knees & Toes.”
My New Year’s Resolution is to walk for an hour every day. By April I’ll be far enough away that my family will never find me.
Facetious. Because I like to use all vowels, in order.
When I was a kid, I had to walk uphill both ways in the snow just to change the TV channel.
The postman told me he was off to Spain tomorrow. I asked if he was going to Parcelona. He didn’t even smile