Day one without power. Already considering which neighbor would taste best.
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When I go shopping I like to buy condoms and cat food at the same time just to confuse the cashier.
Before I met my wife I only used bar soap in the shower.
Last week I threw a tantrum like a five year old because I ran out of ocean salt scrub for my beard.
Just because you have boobs doesn’t mean you’re better than I am. Unless you’re a woman.
Be the reason why your local woods are haunted.
My new favourite people are the Americans who complain about the air quality while chuffing on vapes all day.
The world is full of people who just need to hug a cactus.
Being a mom in your 40s is putting a timer in your phone to remind yourself to be the tooth fairy.
They say “keep your friends close and your enemies closer” so if I offer you a piggyback ride just know we have beef
The beauty industry:
For men: This can be used as a shampoo, body wash, face wash, lotion, mouth wash, tooth paste, engine degreaser, spackle, or sunscreen
For women: We’ve specially formulated this moisturizer for your left elbow
Medication for depression “may cause thoughts of suicide”. If this were so for all meds then:
Diet Pills..may cause ravenous hunger
I went upstairs to grab my charger I brushed my hair, picked up some dirty clothes, changed my sons diaper, put on deodorant, came back downstairs, vacuumed the entire first floor & picked up some toys. I just sat down to plug in my phone & realized I never grabbed the charger.
just walked in on my son playing cards against humanity by himself like solitaire
Brenda had wanted to surprise her husband with a camouflage theme Christmas tree but it’s almost March and they still can’t find it.
2019: Crowd surfing
2020: Channel surfing
I’m just a boy, standing in front of the toilet paper aisle, trying to decide whether I want to wipe with a pillow, a cloud, or a kitten.
“Does anybody in the car have a heart condition?” I ask as I slide my Smash Mouth CD into the radio.
My cuz stole some money, landed in jail, wanted to fight everyone and threatened to shoot people, so that was the end of our Monopoly game.
Let’s get married, have kids and buy a house where it’ll either be too cold or too hot for someone every day forever.
I once told a guy that I knew he liked me when he went out of his way to help me move and he replied, “oh, no, I just helped you coz I’m a good friend.”
I’m not an agoraphobe, I’m deeply in love with my stuff
I wonder how many different vegetables they exploded before they discovered popcorn.
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
“Cuz im going too fast?”
Cop: Yes, slow down.
“But it’s been 6 months-”
Cop: U can’t move in with her yet.
Son, always wait 30 minutes after eating before swimming
“But dad we’re goldfish”
Oh yeah, I forgot
“Forgot what?”
Found an m&m on the floor. It’s been there all night, but I figure that’s well past the statute of limitations on the 5 second rule.
Anyway, once I brushed off the cat hair it tasted fine.
Me : Here, I made you a ‘Best Hits of 2017’ CD.
Wife : This is an unopened blank CD-R.
Me : Correct.
Say what you will about Kylo Ren, but you have to appreciate his Han die coordination.
Welcome to parenting. Here is your collection of markers that have run out of ink, which you will inexplicably hold onto for a minimum of 2 years.
Me to my kids: don’t ever lie
Me serving any kind of meat: it’s chicken
H: “Whatcha doing?”
Me: “Going on twitter to hang out.”
H: “Twitter is an app, not a place.”
Me: *whispers venomously* “Is too a place!!”
I’m not saying it is your fault, I said I’m blaming you.