if you’re reading my tweets and judging me by my typos I just want you to know, yes, english is my first language
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my mother is taking me to see the monday matinee showing of the barbie movie as a mother should.
I mean…but I did
In High School I was pretty popular with all the boys.
I was known as “Hey, will you ask your friend if she likes me?”
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I make bad decisions.
“He stole a penguin from the zoo.”
YOU SAID YOU WANTED A BUTLER, KAREN.
my friends: “im not a hater but-”
me: “dont worry i am”
If hockey comes back this season we should be allowed to appoint one single fan to watch the games who’s only job is to shout “shoot!” on the power-play and occasionally bang on the glass.
Me: <throws caution to the wind>
Also Me: <panics and gathers up as many pieces of caution as possible before they scatter>
7yo: daddy did you know that the number eleven is odd?
me: yes
7yo: then why does it have the word even in it?
me:
Characters in werewolf movies always develop heightened senses and sex drives and cravings for raw meat and never develop the urge to spend all day playing with squeaky chew toys.
Home is where the Wi-Fi is.
broke down and did it
Little known fact: Scotland is just an elaborate hoax with Mike Myers playing all of its citizens.
[checking bag at the airport]: yes, that is indeed a bag
[Super Villain Team Tryouts]
COACH: Tell me what you can do
MAGNETO: I can manipulate metal
LOKI: I’m a god
THE PENGUIN (shoving his way to the front): I LIKE PENGUINS!
Dolls have given us an unrealistic image of women. For example, I found out Russian women do not contain smaller Russian women inside them.
[2018]
ALIEN: take me to ur leader
ME: uh ok *takes him to president Donald Trump*
ALIEN: lol good one but seriously where’s ur real leader
That clothes store that catered to old people 20 years ago is suddenly catering to me now. Wild.
My 6yo asks me the most random questions. Today he asked “who do you think is the most rememberalist in our family?” I’m not even the most understanderalist at the moment, but I’m definitely the most confusededist.
“Hey, wanna hangout?” “Later.” “Now?” “No, later” “How about now?” “Jesus christ.” -if Adobe Updater was your friend
The next man who calls me deluded is going to regret it when he finds me sitting in his house wearing a wedding dress.
When all the grocery stores are out of food, those fish holding Tinder dudes will look pretty damn good.
Me: (watching MST3K) What do you mean you don’t like it?! If you were trapped in deep space with just two robot friends, what would YOU do?
Her: That’s not important.
Wow, you’re a Sagittarius??
That must mean you’re trusting, passionate and thick as pig shit to think I care about horoscopes
yelling “you’re not my real dad” is a faux pas
[married people conversations]
Wife: babe, what’s the guys name from that movie we watched on Netflix that one time?
Me: Joseph Gordon-Levitt.
Wife: that’s it! thanks!
Last night, we decided to play UNO as a family & wouldn’t you know it’s the perfectly named game because it only took playing one round for my kids to hate each other
I’m thankful my wife harvested over $100,000 in potatoes on Farmville while I ate a grilled cheese for dinner & am sleeping on dirty laundry
when you order from DoorDastardly
Me, massively hungover, listening to my coworker telling me about their weekend:
If you start your emails with “Greetings” let me be the first to welcome you to Earth.